pit stop: brisbane

back from sydney (entry on that still WIP), about to head off for the malayan peninsular in a few days. quoting myself in an email to fom about upcoming trip:

i think i've been so starved of spending chunks of time just being with friends that i'm actually sorta looking foward to the high dosage of people time (+ enjoyed the bits from sydney)... kinda funny - almost seems like ppl here are too busy that the only way i get to hang out with friends is to visit them as an interstate/overseas guest (guess that makes me more "special" and a higher priority person to spend time with/on -- or maybe i'm just being cynical :p)

granted, i too would readily regard a "from out of town" visitor as higher priority, given that opportunities to spend time with them are theoretically significantly fewer than someone more "local". i guess i'm just lamenting the busyness of lives which results in the observable chasm between the treatment of the local and the sojourning friend.

where is the (local) community?

in greek: koinonia
the fellowship that i seek
should i instead be?

[ this haiku came to me while doing a 40 dop related bible study earlier this year, and i thought i wrote it down somewhere but i can't remember where... and i can't remember if the last line is the same as the original... how many variations of thoughts could i have expressed in 5 syllables? hmm... ]

All that iS

Should I run and hide,
or stand up and fight?
I'm totally confused
with the maybe and might,
plus the ifs, buts, et al -
just wanna do what is right.
Though not by my own sight
but in line with God's light.

- - - - -

i don't know if it's the fact i haven't had enough sleep, or that i'm distracted by certain thoughts occupying my mind, or maybe it's just not my day. work was a frustrating drag, even with two more breaks than i was expecting. seems like i had an unusually high ratio of long, teeth-gritting, fist-clenching, bury face in hands type of calls. was also a late finish, and i decided to treat myself to a bus ride home rather than walk it. sometimes it's just the little things that help... (as well as being the things that can get to you!)

i'm so glad i have some leave and holidays coming up - hope the time away helps to relieve some of this tension... or help me regain some perspective in a "turn your eyes upon Jesus" kind of way. things don't always turn out the way i want/hope, and the unknown is typically quite murky, but it's good to know and be reminded every now and then that i'm not in control :p

is it ironic that what should be reassuring can be frustrating as well? hmm...

panning for gold

i like to read blogs. a few times in the past i've browsed sites like RBJ to find bloggers.
but that was more so to look for asian bloggers. or bloggers in australia. or really asian bloggers in australia.

though i wasn't really looking, i've recently "discovered" a veritable treasure trove of Christian (as far as can be told) bloggers in australia. running that through the hyperbole filter means i've actually been spending too much time (time that i should be spending sleeping) reading a blog i've come across. and i've been following the odd link from this blog to his friends and his friends' friends etc. too much to discover, too quickly i want to absorb it all, too little sleep in the end.

i like to begin at the beginning, and get a feel for why people start their blog. then i try to quickly catch up (assuming, firstly, that i get hooked by the beginning) before quite possibly following in a reasonably regular fashion (assuming, secondly, that the archives have maintained my interest). my favourite bloggers are those who give some insight into why they write (and choose to do so via a blog), then post somewhat infrequently (less archives to process :p), and it's rather acceptable if they're a bit more regular by the time we get to the present.

a few of these connected bloggers are writers (among many other things). i've been wondering if maybe i could be an aspiring writer. then again, maybe i'll just be a write -- someone who writes but doesn't quite consider themselves up to the worth/challenge of being a proper writer. i'm sure that one who consistently deals violently with the english language could never be a writer ;)

i ate thai.
it was very nice :)
i shall think fondly of the taste as i drag myself off to bed.

there's no "i" in team...

...but there is a me in there if you mix it up a bit!

random quote from dr house, the eponymous oddball (but rather gifted) doctor of the newish tv show. watched it for the first time tonight, along with a bit of rock school, which brought back memories of the jack black movie school of rock (though i suppose the resemblance is hardly accidental). don't know that i'll stick to either, but i think i will persist with grey's anatomy for the time being. the splurge of idiot-boxing was a chance to tune out on this midweek lull in busyness, now that a few outstanding matters (my exam being one) have been dealt with earlier today. will have another busy weekend coming up... in fact i'll be out of town for the next 4 consecutive weekends - and travelling here and there using planes, trains and automobiles. hey maybe i could do a movie about that! oh... already been done? shucks...

it's funny how unpredictable it can be when you submit stuff for other people to read/scrutinise. like my exam paper, or job applications... speaking of which, i've not heard any response... anyways, some things that you feel good/confident about, actually turn out to be less than expected. on the other hand, some things which might be quite ordinary, could turn out to be a lot more significant. now my exam paper is one that i'm hoping belongs to the second category! having ditched the postponement idea, i did go ahead with it this morning. i didn't feel too prepared, and during perusal time, i was mentally calculating my marks along the lines of: yep, i'll probably lose 2 marks here, maybe 4 there, and a couple more for that question... which leaves the two last questions that comprise 50% of the marks, and for which i need to squeeze probably at least 10-20 marks out of! let's just say that even given the choice of topics on which to use for those questions, i always felt i was going to be struggling. blame my lack of preparation. blame my rusty study skills. just blame ME.

like house alludes to in one of the conversations during tonight's episode, you can either worry yourself silly with self-doubt and lack of confidence about your decisions/actions, or (in his case) back your judgment/skill/training and push forward tenaciously. as for the things i've sent out, it's too late for self-doubt in any case! what news will the boomerang bring? will the boomerang even return? will i catch the boomerang or will it come from behind and whack me on the back of my head? too many questions and not enough sleep, hence to bed i go...

Look Up, Ye Saints

His heart grows heavy at the pain and destruction;
Doubt and self-blame - his nighttime's companions.
For the parts he played, absolution he seeks,
And as for the rest... these to you he entrusts.

You alone can understand the confusion,
And can gather up the brokenness and strife -
The only things offered by the downcast -
And make something beautiful, giving life.

Many are the burdens I cannot handle
All these I place at your feet.
Help me to let go of my self-reliance
Trusting these needs, you'll perfectly meet.

plan B

another night, another raised stress level, for i've managed to cover an additional big fat zero number of pages of study. rather most of the night has gone into composing and reworking draft #2, plus getting some outside advice on the task. i'm starting to wonder if i shouldn't postpone my exam - i still have a week's slack to play with... on the other hand, part of me just wants to get it over and done with, so i can start focussing on other things waiting in the wings.

it's hard to think straight when your brain is half dead.

this is not working

i have covered all of about 5 pages in two hours.

i am bothered and very distracted by it.

i feel extremely unproductive.

now i need to sleep.

i shake my fist.

ARGH!!!

meh...

cold air, hot water

someone told me that yesterday was supposedly the coldest day in this town since sometime in the 20's?? i don't know whether that's true, but it was certainly quite cool... and it continued today.

despite the surrounding coldness, i've been on the receiving end of 3 things these past 24 hours, leaving me feeling slightly besieged and being in a spot of the proverbial hot water. all of it relates to something i've recently expressed and/or the manner in which i've expressed it. of course, the difficulties with achieving clear communication is nothing new to me - how many times in the past has something i've said/written been interpreted one way (what i intended) by some people, and quite another (unintended) way by other people? on the flip side, i've had my fair share of times when i've totally misunderstood/misinterpreted something another person has expressed.

a similar danger exists when we come to reading (and trying to understand) God's word, which is why we need to spend time and effort in getting it right. last night's session had a number of interesting and brain-stretching discussions, all of which i'm sure were hampered to some extent by our collective inability to simply and perfectly communicate what we mean.

ah the joys of life! :p

random thought: i wonder whether the actual/specific language in use has any bearing on the ease/simplicity of communication? being fairly monolingual, i can't really begin to comment or speculate. i do know that i have, on the odd occasion, thought in chinese rather than english... horses for courses, perhaps?

anyways, i was supposed to have done a lot of study today. hours logged so far = less than 0.01... even if i was an optimist i reckon i'd think i'd be in trouble for my exam!

3 years old!

ah yes... it's anniversary time for nebolocity once more, which reminds the owner that he's a year older! :|

and as seems to be becoming a tradition, i had a look back through my previous birthday related posts, trying to remember how my previous few were spent. some (potential) trends:

1. i tend to get sick around this time (if you can take 2 time out of 3 to be statistically significant :p i've got a bit of a cold at the moment, but it doesn't seem to be *too* bad...)
   
2. some people are consistent in remembering my birthday and offering wishes etc
3. some people drop off the credits reel (not that i'm keeping score - the credits list is just to acknowledge those tho remembered/did something about it, and has no negative reflection on anyone not on the list), and a few in particular are perhaps conspicuous by their absence... maybe it's a reflection of the (degraded?) state of my relationship(s) with them?? hmm...
   
4. i tend to not bother doing/organising anything to celebrate
5. i probably decide last minute that i'd like to do something (other than sit at home by myself), but am hampered in my efforts to be social by the presumption that everyone's (too) busy
6. but it's probably the only day of the year that my phone gets a bit of a work out :p
   

actually, come to think of it, what with all these birthdayalarm type deals, i'm sure i'm on more people's lists! not that i use it to keep track of other people's birthdays (i reckon i have a better system), but what's the point of me responding to other people's requests to enter my details on their list, if i get nothing in return when it really counts?? ;)

anyways, here's a roughly chronological log of what i did today, punctuated by the credits...

• it actually "began" with broken sleep and other undesirables... spilt milk, what can you do?
• email from the clan doris - these guys are one of the old faithfuls :) they'll be returning to brisbane in a few months' time, so it will be good to catch up.
• letter from my bro
• sms from jesske, whose birthday treasure hunt i was about to set off to attend. this gem of a lass made several points to include my (actual) birthday in her celebrations (so that i wouldn't feel "i'm all old and nobody loves me" :p), in which her other friends also took part. this was certainly a different experience :)
  
• sms from paranoid android, who remembered for another year :)
• sms from valley
• phone call from pastor and aunty (reception was kinda bad tho, so i couldn't actually catch half of what they were saying... so just said thanks and uh-huh a lot... keke)
• e-card from akane, with a cute-ish hip and funky cheer squad animation. will be seeing her in a few weeks time when i head south for another set of friends' wedding, so that should be good :)
  
• e-card from gfcho (this is one of the birthdayalarm ones, as mentioned last year)
• sms from hz
• dinner at home with the family
• sms from shte1
• sms from brysie
• gelati delivery from some BLT committee people (slam, tekken, todd, cousin fi) who are having a meeting downstairs... but not before we ate about half the pack :)
• sms from mag
  

oh and i had a shared cake (made by valley) with jesske at yf last week... anyways maybe a few more might be added to the list come church/yf tomorrow, but for now i'm going to reply some outstanding smses and aim for an earlier night.