All that iS

Should I run and hide,
or stand up and fight?
I'm totally confused
with the maybe and might,
plus the ifs, buts, et al -
just wanna do what is right.
Though not by my own sight
but in line with God's light.

- - - - -

i don't know if it's the fact i haven't had enough sleep, or that i'm distracted by certain thoughts occupying my mind, or maybe it's just not my day. work was a frustrating drag, even with two more breaks than i was expecting. seems like i had an unusually high ratio of long, teeth-gritting, fist-clenching, bury face in hands type of calls. was also a late finish, and i decided to treat myself to a bus ride home rather than walk it. sometimes it's just the little things that help... (as well as being the things that can get to you!)

i'm so glad i have some leave and holidays coming up - hope the time away helps to relieve some of this tension... or help me regain some perspective in a "turn your eyes upon Jesus" kind of way. things don't always turn out the way i want/hope, and the unknown is typically quite murky, but it's good to know and be reminded every now and then that i'm not in control :p

is it ironic that what should be reassuring can be frustrating as well? hmm...

panning for gold

i like to read blogs. a few times in the past i've browsed sites like RBJ to find bloggers.
but that was more so to look for asian bloggers. or bloggers in australia. or really asian bloggers in australia.

though i wasn't really looking, i've recently "discovered" a veritable treasure trove of Christian (as far as can be told) bloggers in australia. running that through the hyperbole filter means i've actually been spending too much time (time that i should be spending sleeping) reading a blog i've come across. and i've been following the odd link from this blog to his friends and his friends' friends etc. too much to discover, too quickly i want to absorb it all, too little sleep in the end.

i like to begin at the beginning, and get a feel for why people start their blog. then i try to quickly catch up (assuming, firstly, that i get hooked by the beginning) before quite possibly following in a reasonably regular fashion (assuming, secondly, that the archives have maintained my interest). my favourite bloggers are those who give some insight into why they write (and choose to do so via a blog), then post somewhat infrequently (less archives to process :p), and it's rather acceptable if they're a bit more regular by the time we get to the present.

a few of these connected bloggers are writers (among many other things). i've been wondering if maybe i could be an aspiring writer. then again, maybe i'll just be a write -- someone who writes but doesn't quite consider themselves up to the worth/challenge of being a proper writer. i'm sure that one who consistently deals violently with the english language could never be a writer ;)

i ate thai.
it was very nice :)
i shall think fondly of the taste as i drag myself off to bed.

there's no "i" in team...

...but there is a me in there if you mix it up a bit!

random quote from dr house, the eponymous oddball (but rather gifted) doctor of the newish tv show. watched it for the first time tonight, along with a bit of rock school, which brought back memories of the jack black movie school of rock (though i suppose the resemblance is hardly accidental). don't know that i'll stick to either, but i think i will persist with grey's anatomy for the time being. the splurge of idiot-boxing was a chance to tune out on this midweek lull in busyness, now that a few outstanding matters (my exam being one) have been dealt with earlier today. will have another busy weekend coming up... in fact i'll be out of town for the next 4 consecutive weekends - and travelling here and there using planes, trains and automobiles. hey maybe i could do a movie about that! oh... already been done? shucks...

it's funny how unpredictable it can be when you submit stuff for other people to read/scrutinise. like my exam paper, or job applications... speaking of which, i've not heard any response... anyways, some things that you feel good/confident about, actually turn out to be less than expected. on the other hand, some things which might be quite ordinary, could turn out to be a lot more significant. now my exam paper is one that i'm hoping belongs to the second category! having ditched the postponement idea, i did go ahead with it this morning. i didn't feel too prepared, and during perusal time, i was mentally calculating my marks along the lines of: yep, i'll probably lose 2 marks here, maybe 4 there, and a couple more for that question... which leaves the two last questions that comprise 50% of the marks, and for which i need to squeeze probably at least 10-20 marks out of! let's just say that even given the choice of topics on which to use for those questions, i always felt i was going to be struggling. blame my lack of preparation. blame my rusty study skills. just blame ME.

like house alludes to in one of the conversations during tonight's episode, you can either worry yourself silly with self-doubt and lack of confidence about your decisions/actions, or (in his case) back your judgment/skill/training and push forward tenaciously. as for the things i've sent out, it's too late for self-doubt in any case! what news will the boomerang bring? will the boomerang even return? will i catch the boomerang or will it come from behind and whack me on the back of my head? too many questions and not enough sleep, hence to bed i go...

Look Up, Ye Saints

His heart grows heavy at the pain and destruction;
Doubt and self-blame - his nighttime's companions.
For the parts he played, absolution he seeks,
And as for the rest... these to you he entrusts.

You alone can understand the confusion,
And can gather up the brokenness and strife -
The only things offered by the downcast -
And make something beautiful, giving life.

Many are the burdens I cannot handle
All these I place at your feet.
Help me to let go of my self-reliance
Trusting these needs, you'll perfectly meet.

plan B

another night, another raised stress level, for i've managed to cover an additional big fat zero number of pages of study. rather most of the night has gone into composing and reworking draft #2, plus getting some outside advice on the task. i'm starting to wonder if i shouldn't postpone my exam - i still have a week's slack to play with... on the other hand, part of me just wants to get it over and done with, so i can start focussing on other things waiting in the wings.

it's hard to think straight when your brain is half dead.

this is not working

i have covered all of about 5 pages in two hours.

i am bothered and very distracted by it.

i feel extremely unproductive.

now i need to sleep.

i shake my fist.

ARGH!!!

meh...

cold air, hot water

someone told me that yesterday was supposedly the coldest day in this town since sometime in the 20's?? i don't know whether that's true, but it was certainly quite cool... and it continued today.

despite the surrounding coldness, i've been on the receiving end of 3 things these past 24 hours, leaving me feeling slightly besieged and being in a spot of the proverbial hot water. all of it relates to something i've recently expressed and/or the manner in which i've expressed it. of course, the difficulties with achieving clear communication is nothing new to me - how many times in the past has something i've said/written been interpreted one way (what i intended) by some people, and quite another (unintended) way by other people? on the flip side, i've had my fair share of times when i've totally misunderstood/misinterpreted something another person has expressed.

a similar danger exists when we come to reading (and trying to understand) God's word, which is why we need to spend time and effort in getting it right. last night's session had a number of interesting and brain-stretching discussions, all of which i'm sure were hampered to some extent by our collective inability to simply and perfectly communicate what we mean.

ah the joys of life! :p

random thought: i wonder whether the actual/specific language in use has any bearing on the ease/simplicity of communication? being fairly monolingual, i can't really begin to comment or speculate. i do know that i have, on the odd occasion, thought in chinese rather than english... horses for courses, perhaps?

anyways, i was supposed to have done a lot of study today. hours logged so far = less than 0.01... even if i was an optimist i reckon i'd think i'd be in trouble for my exam!

3 years old!

ah yes... it's anniversary time for nebolocity once more, which reminds the owner that he's a year older! :|

and as seems to be becoming a tradition, i had a look back through my previous birthday related posts, trying to remember how my previous few were spent. some (potential) trends:

1. i tend to get sick around this time (if you can take 2 time out of 3 to be statistically significant :p i've got a bit of a cold at the moment, but it doesn't seem to be *too* bad...)
   
2. some people are consistent in remembering my birthday and offering wishes etc
3. some people drop off the credits reel (not that i'm keeping score - the credits list is just to acknowledge those tho remembered/did something about it, and has no negative reflection on anyone not on the list), and a few in particular are perhaps conspicuous by their absence... maybe it's a reflection of the (degraded?) state of my relationship(s) with them?? hmm...
   
4. i tend to not bother doing/organising anything to celebrate
5. i probably decide last minute that i'd like to do something (other than sit at home by myself), but am hampered in my efforts to be social by the presumption that everyone's (too) busy
6. but it's probably the only day of the year that my phone gets a bit of a work out :p
   

actually, come to think of it, what with all these birthdayalarm type deals, i'm sure i'm on more people's lists! not that i use it to keep track of other people's birthdays (i reckon i have a better system), but what's the point of me responding to other people's requests to enter my details on their list, if i get nothing in return when it really counts?? ;)

anyways, here's a roughly chronological log of what i did today, punctuated by the credits...

• it actually "began" with broken sleep and other undesirables... spilt milk, what can you do?
• email from the clan doris - these guys are one of the old faithfuls :) they'll be returning to brisbane in a few months' time, so it will be good to catch up.
• letter from my bro
• sms from jesske, whose birthday treasure hunt i was about to set off to attend. this gem of a lass made several points to include my (actual) birthday in her celebrations (so that i wouldn't feel "i'm all old and nobody loves me" :p), in which her other friends also took part. this was certainly a different experience :)
  
• sms from paranoid android, who remembered for another year :)
• sms from valley
• phone call from pastor and aunty (reception was kinda bad tho, so i couldn't actually catch half of what they were saying... so just said thanks and uh-huh a lot... keke)
• e-card from akane, with a cute-ish hip and funky cheer squad animation. will be seeing her in a few weeks time when i head south for another set of friends' wedding, so that should be good :)
  
• e-card from gfcho (this is one of the birthdayalarm ones, as mentioned last year)
• sms from hz
• dinner at home with the family
• sms from shte1
• sms from brysie
• gelati delivery from some BLT committee people (slam, tekken, todd, cousin fi) who are having a meeting downstairs... but not before we ate about half the pack :)
• sms from mag
  

oh and i had a shared cake (made by valley) with jesske at yf last week... anyways maybe a few more might be added to the list come church/yf tomorrow, but for now i'm going to reply some outstanding smses and aim for an earlier night.

of weddings and things

i've just returned from my cousin's wedding, and am finally getting around to posting up some pictures and thoughts from my sister's wedding last weekend. here's a family photo to the right...

and on the left is the cake my other sister made for her... pretty nifty eh?

my day itself didn't start that well... after a rather late night (due to a late airport run, made later by a delay in the flight), i actually couldn't get out of bed the next morning! by the time i was finally woken up, i had 15 minutes to be at the church to help set up for refreshments. so i rushed out of the house, grabbing all my gear adn change of clothes etc, went to pick up my aunt and arrived at the church a bit late. later (when i went to get changed) i realised i hadn't shaved, and didn't bring a shaver... anyways that's a fairly minor blemish - the ceremony + reception etc was all good and everyone seemed to be enjoying themselves.

i've had a lingering though that started long before this wedding, and which was again brought into the spotlight during the sermon. here i'll steal from i mean quote shteejei:

One thing stood out quite clearly for me during the day, and that was something mentioned by the guest speaker giving his words of counsel to the couple. He said that the husband’s role, for the rest of his life, was to lead his wife into Christ-likeness (or something to that effect).

At this point a few thoughts came to mind:

• How can a non-Christian husband lead a Christian wife to Christ-likeness?
  
• On the other hand, how can a non-Christian wife be lead into Christ-likeness?
  
• If a husband is to love his wife as Christ loved the church, by laying down his life in order to present his church holy and blameless, then how can that happen if the husband does not love Christ (and hence, can not love as he loved?)

What were the thoughts of those in the audience listening to these words who are currently dating or engaged to non-Christians?

the ending question there echoes precisely my own musings
[rest of post under revision]

slowness

writing selection criteria always seems to take too long... i guess it doesn't help if you spent half the night playing head-to-head games on msn messenger (and getting a bit of a whooping in bejeweled) :p oh well, it's been ages since yung and i played, so it was a good bit of fun...

i'm trying very hard to apply the STAR principle in address the selection criteria. i also tailored my resume and used lots of "action words". it's due in about 15.5 hours... between now and then i have another example and the covering letter to write up, plus face a longish and likely-to-be-busy-again day at work, oh and some sleep would be nice too.

i'm doing all this because this is a good opportunity (i think?) to move into a role that will involve more admin and (a lot) less time spent on/chained to the phones. plus it's a higher level role, and it'll probably mean i get to work in the city - don't know if that last one is a good thing, but at least i'm likely to have more opportunity to meet/see friends for lunch and the like.

ok enough procrastinating... come on brain, stay with me!

the heat is on

according to the doctor, i've been hit by a virus that attacks the muscles and causes soreness, headaches, fever, and also sometimes sore throats/coughs and middle ear infections (though i seem to have missed out on the last two). i thought i was getting better today, and after taking an extended afternoon nap i wake up to find i'm still feverish and the headache is still there. the general soreness has decreased, but so too has my appetite.

my MC covers me from tuesday till today... this is, as far as i can remember, the longest unplanned absence i've ever had from work.

- - - - -

brief encounters with the aunties - a two-part act:

1. a few days ago... as the girls started arriving at my younger sister's bridal shower do...
auntie1: so how do you feel, with both sisters about to be married soon?
me: *shrugs*
auntie1: so when is your turn?
me: ...

2. the following night... eldest uncle and his wife drop by to use our fax. his son is getting married the week after my younger sister... which means that out of all my cousins on my dad's side, everyone older than me (plus a few younger than me) will be married by the end of this month...
auntie2: it must be getting to your turn soon - when is your wedding?
me: *shrugs*
me: God knows...
auntie2: i'm sure he does!

is it a sign of old age when you start noticing crows feet in pictures of yourself??

- - - - -

i need to sell my echo, cos i'm taking over my elder sister's astra when she heads off to be married. it seems such a hassling and time-consuming process to sell cars, and i don't think i have the time to go through the private market in the hopes of getting a better price than via dealers. a decent price for a decent car is all i ask... is that too much?

encouraged from reflections

i can't remember when it all started, but for some years now we've had "camp reflections" following the end of the annual yf camp. this year's edition took place last night, and after initially thinking i might not be able to make it, i ended up going for the whole thing and came away much encouraged.

as someone who's been to more camps than they can remember, it probably gets more difficult to have individual highlights that really stand out amongst the sea of memories and experiences. but this year, a few things that i found good/encouraging was:

• some of my group members sharing how they enjoyed the group. it can be hard as a leader when the group members do not appear to be very responsive, or you're just not sure if what you're doing is really having any positive impact/effect. it is quite reassuring to hear that people did take away good times and lessons learnt from our sessions together.
• one of the non-christians who came to camp sharing how she appreciated the opportunity to find out more about christianity, and being placed in a "beginner's group" that was appropriate for where she's at in her search. also her comments about people's general friendliness - this was something i too experienced when i first attended a yf camp way back...
  
• other comments about how new people found the camp environment to be welcoming, non-judgmental, and where people don't just talk about loving others but actually practice it.

of course, things aren't perfect (and i can point to many an example where it's not, though now's not the time or place), but for a pessimistic-minded person like me, i'll grab all the enouragements that i come across :) it's good to know that yf camps are generally heading in the right direction, and is doing well at providing an opportunity for people to come and hear God's word, and be challenged to respond to it accordingly.

it's easy to be discouraged, and i'm thankful for the glimmer of encouragement received last night. that might not always happen... it might not usually happen... i need to bear in mind some other words i read tonight (by some dude called george macdonald - not that i have any idea who he is):

“Am I going to do a good thing? Then Father, into your hands, lest the enemy have me now.”

- - - - -

there's a bridal shower going on downstairs (for my younger sister) as i write... i was just about to start on my dinner when the advance party arrived to start setting up. so i hung about with the girls and leant a hand here and there, and chatted with some people whom i had not seen in a while. i don't think i've ever been alone (ie being the only guy) in a room with so many girls before :p anyways i eventually got kicked out when it was time for the guest of honour to enter.

i've been to a few buck's nights, but have never really known what goes on at a bridal shower. the little bit of prep work i saw tonight showed me at least a glimpse into one such event - a fair amount of effort from the heart. i'm sure my sister will have a memorable evening enjoying treasured friendships. sometimes (maybe too often??) i think girls are better company :p

games be gone

wedding #9 for the year took place earlier today. 4 to go in the next 2 months...

in his speech, one of the groomsman referred to something the groom said during the buck's night. can't recall the precise words, but it had to do with how the groom-to-be, an avid (LAN) gamer, had said that he is willing to give that up for his wife-to-be, so as to dedicate time to the building up of their marriage. a big change; a big sacrifice - but one that is entirely worthwhile. coincidentally i was just reading an article about unplugging from the matrix of the gaming world, so as to

1. find one's true identity in Christ (rather than in the world of the games)
2. to practice better stewardship of our time, and
3. to live in the real world where one's actions have lasting impact.
   

good food for thought... maybe too easy for me to simply nod my head in agreement, given that i've never been into gaming (unless you count minesweeper, solitaire, and those little flash games you find on the net?!) though i can easily see other places where i just as easily spend hours "hiding away".

to my friends J and M: may you not hide from, but actively seek out each other in your marriage, and may you continue growing in Christlikeness all the days of your life.

a matter of perspective

came across these via a forward mass mail thing about the pavement artwork of a UK dude by the name of julian beever - "anamorphic illusions drawn in a special distortion in order to create an impression of 3 dimensions when seen from one particular viewpoint"

here's a shot of what one of his pieces look like from the "wrong" angle:


and now looking at it from the intended perspective:

more pictures at http://users.skynet.be/J.Beever/pave.htm

pretty nifty, eh? makes you wonder whether sometimes you just can't seem to understand certain things, it's because you're standing on the wrong side of the picture...

simple truth?

The stronger our desire for some satisfaction, the more vulnerable we are to being deceived about what is right and wrong in the way we try to satisfy that desire.

currently feeling :: crap

有一首歌说：想哭就到我怀里哭。 但如果我没有那首歌里所讲的哪个“我”，该这么办呢？只好对着这没有耳朵听的 blog 来说一说。。。pretty sad, right?

yeah well anyway, just wanted to get that off my chest somewhere. don't care to elaborate at the moment. been dwelling on it enough as it is.

why does this happen on sundays?! bleh...

kinda quiet around here...

...and it's getting cold too! starting to wear socks to bed and snuggling in that much more to keep my ears warm. ahh, winter...

not much to say. been reading a bit more than i have in recent times, making use of my walks to work and my lunch breaks to catch up on my backlog of Voice of the Martyr newsletters and the Briefing magazine. good things to be filling my mind with.

now that i am walking to/from work, every time i get into my car (eg if i'm going out at night, or on weekends) i feel like i haven't driven it for such a long time, even though it would only be a matter of days at the most. funny how familiar the feeling of driving everyday becomes...

also been cutting down on some tv in order to devote more time to studying - yes, that thing which i thought i'd never do after "uni" became a thing of the past! i'm about a fifth of the way into (and half a week behind schedule) my first subject in the correspondance course from moore. struggling a bit with the discipline of study, but the time spent has been worthwhile.

feels quiet today... i don't have anything on! got a haircut and picked up tickets for the michael w. smith concert in july. did some studying for moore and started BS prep for yf camp. part of me wants to do something spontaneous, however i can't help but feel everyone else is too busy to be spontaneous. oh well, looks like more study and an early night for me...

in contrast, the next 3 months look busy on my schedule, with 2 camps/conferences, 5 weddings and 2 out of town trips, 1 confirmed and 3 other concerts/shows i'd like to attend... and i'm sure there'll be a good number of meetings thrown in the mix too. speaking of trips, my tickets to singapore are booked. i'm still undecided about the mid-week foray into malaysia though... guess i should send that email to my KL contacts and see if it's worth dropping in while i'm in the region. plus i might go visit gentings, but don't know if i'm really up to playing the solo tourist gig. well, enough procrastiating... :p trying to cut down on time spent in front of this type of CRT screen too!

it keeps going up!

not that i really expect the count to decrease at any stage :p

just found out that another person i know got married recently. that's an average of 1 per month this year... with half over half of the year to go, how much higher can the stats get?

dips and peaks

i feel like i'm losing a friend.
to be more accurate, i think the tense in the previous sentence should be past, not present.
it's probably something i'm just not wanting to concede, but the sand's getting too shallow for me to stick my head into.

on a more general level, i feel like this sort of thing has been happening too often/regularly in recent years.
it's times like these that i get rather despondent.

- - - - -

on a happier/lighter note, i went on a day trip yesterday. photoblog below...

after various delays, some 20-odd of us eventually head north and congregate at our first stop: eumundi markets. this is a plate of mixed (ie steamed and fried) vegetarian momos (dumplings) from a tibetan food stall. i'd suggest going without the soy sauce - tastes better with just the sweet chilli :)

before leaving, i spent a good 5-10 minutes standing in front of this band listening to their music. they're called oka, and i quite enjoyed their grooves and tunes. so much so that i bought both of their CDs :p this is the second time i've come away from eumundi markets with multiple CDs (last time it was all 3 CDs of piano music by a guy called richard goldsworthy). these guys really looked like they enjoyed their music making, and i reckon i could have quite happily zoned out for a few hours soaking in their sounds :)

before long however, it was time to head off for a spot of lunch near montville, where nza and tez had been hard at work cooking up a bbq feast for the rest of us. good job guys!

we had to compete with a few bold and daring kookaburras for our food though - a few times one of them would fly down and grab food off the tables in front of rather surprised (and startled) diners!

group picture of the day trippers, comprising some CLAY folk, overseas visitors, and associated friends.

in front of lake baroon, where we had the bbq. pity that photoblogger isn't really suited to displaying panoramas, otherwise i'd upload one i took giving a sweeping view of the lake.

with almost everyone there sporting a digital camera, many a photo was taken... and usually it's the subject of the photos who pose for the camera, but here's a shot of the poses of some of the photo takers :p

while the rest of the gang headed off for a bushwalk, i returned home early with a few others. but not before stopping by briefly at a vineyard (while my driver purchased some wine for his parents), where i took this photo. then there was another short stop in montville itself, browsing some of the shops there. i had heard a bit about this town, but until now had never visited the area. will have to come back another time and spend more time exploring... but that's an adventure for another day and time :)

there's a shutterfly album with more pics from other cameras.

lessons in being lost, then finding your way

a recent episode of lost tells the story of a guy who has spent a long time being secretly in love with his step sister. eventually the truth outs, and she (who has known/suspected for some time) continues to use that to her advantage. anyways he ends up having this "experience" which compels him to let go of what he's been hanging on to, and the next time the two interact and she tries to coerce him to do something by turning on her smile and wily words, he is able to easily say no.

she looks surprised at the response.

my point? don't have one... but notice that while i can identify with the ease of saying no where the decision may have previously been not so cut and dried, i also see that i 偶而会想念，从未拥有的.

maybe it's me who's truly lost :p