When Your Past Comes Knocking

if a deer hang out on the roads long enough, sooner or later it will encounter a vehicle. i don't think i've ever seen a deer caught in the headlights, but perhaps i understand a little what it might be like - the feeling of being suddenly confronted with something and responding with a perhaps fear-induced frozenness. you know that something is coming your way, and that when it "hits", it's not going to be fun and games. your mind races, desperately thinking of escape routes, frantically analysing what-if-i-do-such-and-such scenarios and at the same time reminds you that the clock is ticking. your body... it does nothing. it just sits in absolute inaction, maintaining a fixed pose with a resoluteness that would give those "statue" mime artists a run for their money.

it's silent, except for the mental *tick*tock*tick* which continues...

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a while ago, i wrote:

the mistakes of the past
they continue to haunt
like dogged, hungry vultures
circling, waiting for a swoop...

... to take another bite of flesh from this body
better the victim be dead than half-alive?
the shock leaves him numb and unfeeling of pain
though emotions and psyche more than compensate

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more recently, i heard:

Jesus, My Only Hope

I come into Your presence
With nothing in my hands
I only bring thanksgiving
For Jesus, God, and Man
I cast myself on mercy
I cast myself on love
I trust Your gracious promise
To wash me with Your blood

I will not fear Your judgment
For me no wrath I dread
For it was spent on Jesus
Poured out upon His head
When Satan's accusations
Make my poor heart afraid
I hear my King declaring
"Father, that debt is paid!"

CHORUS
Jesus my only hope
My only plea
My righteousness
My Great High Priest
Who intercedes for me
Before the throne
Jesus, I trust in You alone

Though I am poor and naked
Your prodigal come home
You place Your robe upon me
Your holiness alone
Though I be dry and barren
By grace this love springs forth
Love for You and Your Kingdom
Joy in Your glory, Lord

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this morning, i re-read:

working through the consequences of past choices ... doesn't mean that you have to dredge up every sordid detail, but it does mean that you need to honestly face the effect your past can have on your future .... Unless you are honest about past sin, you won't be able to understand the potential challenges you'll confront because of it. Neither will you be able to root yourselves firmly in the sustaining grace of God.

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earlier this afternoon, i watched:

2 young (link to review), a movie i recently borrowed from a friend (am still recovering/recuperating my voice, so today is another sick leave day). probably not the best choice in my current frame of mind, though i didn't bother to read the synopsis at all before popping the disc in. anyways, maybe i'm reading themes into the movie (from what's on my mind), but i had to pause the movie so i could go clean my face after one particularly poignant scene, and i found a couple of other scenes triggering various thoughts and reflections.

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then, i was about to try for a nap and maybe stop thinking for a while, but managed to catch a fom online and a brief chat there indirectly helped me to regain a bit of focus.

and before you know it, the day seems almost over... but there's many a mile to travel before the journey ends.