Saturday, March 19, 2005

i'm finding...

  • 不管向左走还是向右走,都是寂寞。
    • it's the case when i wake up (cos i'm housesitting, and i'm the only one there)
    • it's the case when i go out, and am in the crowds
    • it's the case when i come home (to my family, but everyone's doing their own thing and now everyone's gone out)
  • i catch myself doing things like (all of which i can do without fear of anyone giving me weird looks, because i'm in a house all by myself!)
    • talking to myself
    • staring at my reflection in the mirror
    • walking around, back and forth
    • sometimes pausing to lean on doorframes wondering what i'm doing, or where i'm going next
    • occasionally banging my head against a wall or other hard surface (only lightly - i'm not that much of a masochist :p)
    • make unintelligible sounds - some closer to singing/humming, others closer to groans
  • i've been blogging a fair bit in the last 24 hours!
  • i still want to ask "why", even though
    • i don't know the answer
    • i might never know the answer
    • the answer might not even exist
    • assuming it does exist, even if i did know the answer, i may still not understand
    • whether or not i understand, i'd probably just ask another "why" (you know, like those annoying conversations with little kids who keep asking why...)
i feel that God is saying to me: my stubborn and rebellious child, why do you kick against the goads? (oh look, there's another "why"!)

ahh... so many dreams, and an equal number of burst bubbles.

dust will eventually settle if you don't stir it.

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