ill-logical

(lest anyone errantly conclude that i'm a frequent consumer of hollywood tabloidism, let me just clarify that i came across this bit of "news" via an information security mailing list :p)

so paris hilton has her blackberry hacked and the perp is reading her emails, and a someone (the source of this news) had this to say about it: "She was pretty upset about it. It's one thing to have people looking at your sex tapes, but having people reading your personal e-mails is a real invasion of privacy."

what i want to know is, what's so "ok" about people having a front row seat to your sexual activities - how is that *not* an invasion of privacy??!! but i suppose that there are some in this world of ours who perhaps have no qualms with exhibitionism... and perhaps those who make such tapes never really intend for them to stay all that private...

*wince*

there's nothing like a bout of tangible, tense-your-muscles, squirm-in-your-seat physical pain and discomfort to take your mind off the emotional kind. i had my dad work some of his skills on my back and neck earlier tonight - apparently i have a couple of lumps in my neck which are giving me trouble. and the bonus prize is i'm probably going to be sore for the next few days??!! hrm....

- - - - -

i hate the way i've been feeling the last couple of days. it's not a new sensation, just one that recurs every now and then. i hate the dejection and self-doubt that creeps in as a result of the way (i perceive) i am treated by a certain person. i feel like i want to give up. give in. throw my hands in the air in exasperation and walk away, never to return.

but i can't. or maybe i'm just not willing to. not now... not yet.

it hurts because i care. perhaps too much so.

thus am i compelled to persevere.

忍

if it all works out in the end it will be worth it.

if it doesn't, i think i need to know that at least i tried my best. the rest is in God's hands.

- - - - -

on a more positive note, i found out today that i'm into the final straight with my last major job application. it's a "don't go quitting your present job yet, but you'll be getting an offer pending some final integrity checks" type of deal. final result still some weeks away, but boy am i glad to see some light in that there tunnel... i just hope it's the exit ;)

1 down, 4 to go...

well... 4 more that i *know* of at the moment anyway! who knows if any others might pop up during the year! it's bringing to mind the "wedding march" of some 16 months ago - actually looking back at that entry, i was having trouble remembering who one of those couples mentioned is in real life! shocking memory of mine... *sigh*

anyways. saturday was a fairly full on day, running here and there and generally occupied with one thing or another. it was warm, and the decision to ditch my suit jacket was a quick one. the wedding itself was nice, lots of smiles all round. i saw her again, and this time there was recognition and even a brief "hey", but that was about the extent of our interaction. the reception was held at a function centre, with the actual catering done by the groom's family (and friends?) - mostly indian fare which is a change from most wedding dinners i've attended!

3 months till the next in the queue... :)

"calculating corporate marketing science"?

call me a cynic, but there's something about this article (A symphony of giving, but the trumpet blowing's a bit overdone) that strikes a chord about all the supposed altruism and philanthropy that's been going around and widely reported. i didn't watch the concert/telethon, but i did watch the special one day cricket match a few days later. sure enough, there was plenty of trumpet blowing there too.

food for thought...

opportunity cost... investment of time

so i missed out on round two of the feast and fireworks fest by the crew with too much money to burn. not because i couldn't go, but because i chose not to. not because i didn't want to, but because there was something else i wanted to do. the quality of company wins out over good food or entertainment any day :) and i guess i do see the time i spent as an investment - making a small deposit which may not be very substantial or special in any other way, but which if the investment pays off will be worth every single cent.

although... it wasn't all that black and white. i did get to see the fireworks away from the others (and actually much closer to the source) - pity it was raining and rather windless, which meant i struggled to take decent pics through the car windscreen (or risk getting the camera too wet), and that the smoke hung around a lot more rather than dissipating. and my family brought back some of the leftovers from dinner, so i get to sample the fare too :p

hey this is almost sounding like a win-win scenario! lol... (pun and hidden meaning entirely intended, not that anybody else reading this would have much of an idea what i'm going on about! oh well... when i look back in 5 years' time maybe i'll smile a wistful smile at this... hehe)

drop in the ocean

after more than a week of relative ignorance and shelteredness (i don't tend to get/seek much in the way of news, be it local or global), and tossing up doing something about the damage wreaked by the quake/tsunamis, i've finally decided to give to/via samaritan's purse. it may only be a drop, but it's a basic building block of an ocean.

other channels you may wish to consider if you're so inclined:

• World Vision
• Tear Australia

of course there are other well known relief/charity organisations out there, but i'm talking about the wrapping of the gospel in a sandwich... or blanket... or bandaid etc.

fresh beginnings?

another year gone... and it is with some relief that i say goodbye to 2004 - in some (perhaps many?) it has been a rather tumuluous annus horribilis. then again i'm reminded that the passing of one year to the next is no different from any of the other 364 ticks of the clock from 23:59:59 to 00:00:00 of a typical calendar year. i'd be a fool to think that the days ahead will be any better, based merely on the premise that the least significant digit in the year has advanced by one.

time to leave the past behind, though not forgetting the lessons learnt and mistakes to avoid repeating. the scars will stay, but the sins have been forgiven in and through Christ. it's time for a new day, a new morning...

The steadfast love of the LORD never ceases; his mercies never come to an end;
they are new every morning; great is your faithfulness.
"The LORD is my portion," says my soul, "therefore I will hope in him."
-- Lamentations 3:22-24

memories of one

today was wedding day... after sleeping in, it was wake up, turn on computer, shower, eat and rush off... and out for the whole day. this is a pic of the newlyweds with the yf crew. kbc has well decked-out audio and lighting!

item #1 that bothered me today: i did recall seeing her during the ceremony, and maybe even before the ceremony started. there was zero recognition on my part. i figured she was just someone i didn't know - after all, there were plenty of other guests i didn't know. after the ceremony i found myself near where she was sitting, and someone else in an adjacent row called out to me and we started chatting. after a minute or two (by now i was standing less than a meter from her, though i think she had her back to me a bit as she was talking to the person beside her), it finally dawned on me who she was! sure i hadn't seen her for a while, and very rarely all year, but had i really failed to recognise her? it was both funny and a bit disturbing. maybe i'm making too much of it, but it did surprise me that it took me so long to recognise someone who not (that) long ago i had been close to...

straight after the reception and bushdance (in which i didn't participate, partly because there was only really one person i would have liked to have danced with, and well... it just wasn't going to happen, and so my heart wasn't in it to be having *that* much fun :p), i drove off to join my parents at a "party" held by my dad's big boss(es). let's just say that these folks are rich. maybe not rich like bill gates or whoever the guy is that owns ikea and is now supposedly richer than bill gates, but plenty rich enough for the likes of me. they own pretty much the whole street in a waterfront/bayside area, and the main house is easily double the size of what i live in. and this is just the holiday house, one of many in the world, where they or their family/friends stay when they're in town. i mean, check this dining room for example - the table seats TWENTY people. that's crazy in my books...

anyways, the party. the big/old boss is in town and has a party, and the families of the employees who help look after these properties are all invited. the food (main dishes) is catered by a well known local chinese restaurant. wait staff included. then there's the entertainment - a 20 minute private fireworks display! i have no idea how much this would've cost, but i know it's nothing i could ever afford... it's setup so that we had the best seats in the house - from the back porch, looking across the canal, where the fireworks crew were set to launch the fireworks from a park on the other side. of course, plenty of passing motorists stopped to view the free show. and that's not all - all us kids (ie children of employees and other friends) were given an ang pao (red packet). now firstly i was totally not expecting this cos it's like... i'm already getting treated to free food and a private fireworks viewing. and secondly i thought ok maybe this is just a token sorta thing... no idea how much would be inside right? maybe a $10 or a $20 at the most? of course it would've been rude to open it straight away, so i checked it on the drive home... and i guess i was close... just add a zero to my first guess. yeah. that's rich. so i decide to give it to my parents cos 1) none of the adults got any, and 2) i haven't given them anything all year and i feel bad about freeloading even though there's no obligation/pressure from them on me, and in fact my mum suggested i stop paying them when she realised i was still paying even after being unemployed for a few months last year.

item #2 that bothered me today: you'd think that having the sort of day that i had, i would/should be happy, right? sharing in friends' wedding, lots of free yummy food, having a momentary dip in lavishness... but no... at the end of (and during) all this i just feel kinda empty. like there's something missing. or maybe the thing should be a one. can't say more cos i'm incredibly scared it may all blow up in my face.

argh!

*sigh*

is that love i smell in the air?

• 1x official wedding invitation for next month, received this afternoon
• 1x wedding, to take place tomorrow
• 1x engagement announcement (news just in a few minutes ago... she's skipped her two older siblings!)
• 1x engagement from earlier this month, wedding to take place later next year
• 1x wedding in april
• 1x engagement in the pipeline

as for me? well... let's not even go there right now... i'll just try to be happy for those whom God has chosen to give the gift of marriage, while i learn to appreciate my singleness for however long i have it.

au revoir, mon ami

i haven't the words to express what/how i feel... today, this past week and a half, or perhaps even this past 9 months or so. i just know that the tears don't seem to want to stop flowing.

tonight, i said goodbye to my friend for the third, and quite possibly the last time in the space of 5 months. if we ever see each other again, the circumstances will be different than our past times together.

she says that this photo of us looks a bit suss... all i was doing was trying to block the camera lens cos i didn't want to have my photo taken, but it ended up looking like we're trying to hide something :p actually my eyes weren't even open so i didn't realise the outcome till later - all i was going by was the timing of the flashes, and sticking my hand up between the red eye reduction pre-flash and the actual flash for the exposure. or i suppose you could just call it art ;)

- - - - -

it seems that pretty much all the close and/or good friends i have, have in some way, shape or form "moved" away from me these past few years. this one has by far been the most emotional, perhaps at least partly because it is/seems so final.

i think i can count one remaining friend in the good/close category. most likely our friendship will change in the next few months also. i hope for the best, and so very much fear for the worst.

but life will, and needs to, go on. the morning will usher in a new day. i shall sleep long, awake, and get some therapeutic value out of a nice shower.

here's to tomorrow...

rain on my parade

the rain is falling with a bit of a vengeance at the moment. well, perhaps "falling" isn't quite the right word - it seemss too passive for what sounds like drops which are hoping to drum their way through whatever solid objects cross their path, similar to how a waterfall wears away and smooths the rocks below it, but on a slightly gentler scale :)

still new-jobless.

and people are reneging on and declining my free tickets, leaving me with half the tickets unallocated (with yours truly making up half of the allocated half).

i need more friends :p

i need sleep. if only this rain could continue all night, and i continue sleeping all day tomorrow!

good one...!

as in, with sarcasm...

because i've "wasted" my afternoon and evening playing those darn addictive games trying to beat my best scores, watching australia lose the ODI to the kiwis, and generally pottering around, when i should have either worked on some job applications, or gotten some rest. now it's getting late, and i've achieved neither... (ok i did complete some things could could be considered productive... thought not quite of any great importance or priority...)

and i've just agreed to let someone cut my hair. someone who's only ever really cut/trimmed her own hair and her sister's hair. i have 6 days to fret over this verbal commitment... :o

dumplings & thanksgiving

work in progress - some of the (pre-cooked) dumplings we made yesterday. as you can see from the variety of shapes on the tray, we had a few different methods of dumpling "folding", harking from various schools of thought (ie what our respective parents may have taught us). i reckon mine look the best and are the most orthodox :p

can you spot the cluster that i made?? hehe

once again i underestimated the time required to make the dumplings (as happens when you don't have enough experience under your best to be able to judge these things), and i was still preparing ingredients when my helpers showed up some 20 minutes late. plus we ran out of dumpling skin, so i had to race out to buy some more (and the first/closest place i went to didn't have any!) but we got there in the end (albeit 45 minutes behind schedule!), and this is the pot of dumplings we brought to the yf thanksgiving night. i was pretty happy with our effort, and i think next time i'll be a bit more organised (experience is a good teacher!), and might have to get a few more refining tips from my parents - i don't think there were any problems in the taste department, but from an aesthetic sense a lot of the dumplings "broke", either during cooking or mainly after storage. i can't believe i just said that - i usually care nothing for presentation etc, citing the logical fact that it's all the same when it gets to your stomach. so maybe i do care a little bit, hehe. call it taking pride in your work :p

anyways, thanksgiving night has become something of an annual tradition in yf, i think ever since the mid-90s when the chings introduced the idea (having brought it over from the states). we gather for a pot-luck dinner [see photo], followed by a time of sharing, reflecting, and giving thanks for the year gone by. it was a bit of a feast, and as usual i would have loved to have eaten even more, but at two helpings my stomach had reached its limit and i had to give it some time to digest all the goodness i had fed it :p

before the real sharing began, we were treated to a skit summarising (in a somewhat cross-pollinated sort of way!) some of the things we had covered in bible study this year. this photo shows a re-enactment of the sinister assassination of ehud (read all about in judges 3:12-30). hmm... upon closer examination of the photo, i think our ehud is using the wrong arm! oh well...

in any case, it was an excellent night of sharing and hearing about what other people have been going through/experiencing, and most importantly what they have been learning as a result. it seems that a lot of people had tough times this year, nevertheless they were all able to still see the God who is good, despite whatever difficulties they had experienced. and that's just a mightily encouraging thing. to hear the same theme running through different contexts and circumstances, really makes you reflect on what being thankful is all about... and i did share and say something about that too, which i might write about in another post.

for now, i'm off to play a bit of squares and curve ball... very simplistic games, but highly addictive! (you have been warned... :p)

alternative appendicitis and the winning wave

this is a somewhat backdated entry. the seeds of thought were there a few nights ago, and i jotted down a few notes, but now can't quite fully recall the precise details relating to the brief notes.

anyways... thursday felt like a not-so-good day. as i said i can't remember exactly why - there was definitely more than one factor, but i can only recall one of them. maybe the other was related as well. yeah, i think it was. so anyways i find out on thursday that this whole outsourcing/restructure thing which was announced like two and half months ago (and which was supposed to take place within eight weeks) is still dragging on as far as my particular role was concerned. my role/job function is now not going to be transitioned for another month...

A.R.G.H.!!!

i'm finding it hard enough dragging myself out of bed every morning, tossing up whether or not i should just call in sick and not bother with the whole thing. i feel so much like an appendix - an appendage hanging on all by itself, sitting there doing who knows what day after day. to most people it may seem rather useless and devoid of any real function, but having the potential to cause great pain and distress should it be inflamed. as i said, i am ready to go at the drop of a hat... i just don't have a good hat yet. maybe one with pop-out blades hidden in the rim that i can use as an uber-shuriken... and lined with explosive powder that detonates on impact, just as i stroll casually away from the building, out of reach of the flames and projectiles... !

so back to thursday. i'm not happy. this news doesn't help. and as i was leaving work for the day (don't get me wrong, i do still turn up to work and do my work. at the same time i'll freely admit that i'm mostly operating on a "doing the minimum" mindset...), my manager catches me and apologises for the delay in my transition. it's not really his fault per se... but that doesn't stop the whole situation from being just a bit of a "good idea at the time but did anybody actually bother to plan and manage it properly???" that it currently is. and he comments that he notices that i've been a bit out of sorts lately... which got me thinking whether it was so obvious? i suppose i'm struggling to keep a lid on it sometimes... he said he doesn't want me to one day say to him that i've had enough and throw in the towel, that i should look forward to the new role (which i'm not really, but it's probably better than this dead-end road i'm currently on), that i should try to prove myself there etc etc. i then let him know why i'm not looking forward to the new role, and why i doubt that proving myself will result in anything (since i have already done so in my current role, and got nothing to show for it except malcontent and disillusionment). i think he resigned himself to agreeing with me, especially since he's only been here a few months and i've seen and heard more of how this place works than he has.

i went home. wanted to vege and do nothing, so had a bit of idiot boxing lined up. to my pleasant surprise, i had some winning moments:

1. my cheque from opionionspaid came! i had "won" some money from doing their surveys... i suppose if you actually calculate how much time i spent on completing the surveys vs. how much money i got from it, it would probably work out to be a not very efficient way of getting money :p
2. while getting ready to wash up the night's dishes, i turned on the radio to 96.5 (which is something i tend to do whenever i wash dishes), and within a minute or two heard something about a movie ticket giveaway, so i rang the station. didn't get through the first time and fiddled for a few seconds with the home phone to get the last number redial happening. thought i'd lost the opportunity cos it took me 2 or 3 goes to get it right, but the second call started ringing! and i got through... and won myself 4 tickets to a preview of the new hilary duff movie, raise your voice. lol... the guy asked if i was a fan, and i said not really :p but hey, a free movie is a free movie, and while this is probably not something i'd usually pay to go see, it also isn't something i'd avoid like the plague. actually, having spent some time looking through the site, i think i might enjoy the music in it at least :) so now all i need is to find some friends who might also enjoy such fare, and treat them to a free movie.

- - - - -

well now that i've gotten that out of my head, time to eat and get ready to make some dumplings later this afternoon! this will be my first real attempt at doing things from go to whoa - previously i've only assisted here and there when my parents were driving the show. i don't really have a proper recipe either... some helpers will come later to wrap and cook, so fingers crossed my preparation of ingredients doesn't go too badly (i'm not much of a cook, so i worry when i don't have precise directions!) anyways, if they turn out looking anything like these (not that i'm following her recipe/directions that closely), i'll be happy :D

roadworks progress

it seems i'm reduced to updating about the roadworks going on near my house. how boring. a fom who found out i blogged about this said i was weird. yes...

the roundabout taking shape... actually it's a bit of a hole in the ground which for a few days lay in wait for unsuspecting cars to drop into. the barriers on one side had been moved or just weren't placed properly, so if one got a bit too close...


i think this chicane is pretty much all completed. this is my favourite one cos you can pretty much pass through it at normal speed if you hold a good line :) kinda defeats the purpose of slowing vehicles down, but there's enough other devices on this stretch that i think one easy one is some compensation!

feeling of slow, fling of sti

isn't there even any straw for me to clutch at? pretty please?

*sigh*

sometimes i think i want to scream at the top of my lungs. maybe at the top of a mountain while the camera revolves around me, panning in and out (for dramatic effect, you understand). alas, i can barely manage to part my lips and begin to open my mouth. even when that does happen, the only thing that come out is a sigh (or a yawn!)

i want out something bad, but i don't think i'm going to get it.

it's funny how a lot of this is starting to look familiar. wasn't i here a few years ago?! now what wrong turn did i take to end up back here again...?

a challenge more in my league

ok. i can live with not ranking amongst the google labs echelon. i know my place :p

so upon seeing this puzzle referred to on googleblog, i said to myself: you gotta be able to do that!

and that's the story of how i came to be, late one friday evening, sitting at home in front of my computer, trying to solve a puzzle (purely for the heck of it, you realise), before going to bed.

so now the challenge is - can YOU solve it? i don't know if there is more than one possible solution, and i'm pretty sure my solution fits the requirements... let's compare answers if you have one :)

- - - - -

the benefit paid from a single 30 minute visit to the dentist this morning has more than made up for my annual health insurance premium. mayhaps i'm in the wrong profession!

non google elite

no i don't think google would ever be interested in hiring me[1]... here's what i did instead[2]!


[1] after a bit more reading of the googleblog, i found the GLAT (google labs aptitude test), and thought i might have a chance at one or two of the questions (for when i'm feeling very mentally charged :p). a few more entries later, i find that i probably did well by standing around at the water's edge rather than jump straight in - people much more mathematically minded than me have answers that i mostly don't understand! oh well, interesting reading nevertheless :)


[2] brief exchange between myself and a colleague, who walked past while i was pulling bits and pieces out of old servers bound for the bin (after others had already been through and claimed the bigger hard drives)

scavenging mate?
yeah...
(pause)
might as well get something out of this place
too right!

so i walked away with a 20G hard drive, 7 PCI network cards, and a 52x CD-ROM - presumably all still working! pity there were no DVD drives, cos that's the next bit of hardware i'd consider adding to my PC. oh well... i'm sure i can find some use for these bits and pieces...

READY, (almost) SET, (but no) GO!

as i keep saying to whoever cares to ask, i am soooo ready to leave here. i just dont' care to do so without having something else lined up - not keen to return to being unemployed unless i absolutely can't help it.

at least the jobs i've been applying for aren't this difficult! though i'm mighty curious to see what awaits past the first gate, i don't think i feel smart enough to try :p

--

enjoyed the JFF movie on wednesday night. got a bit emotional towards the end - the girls all had a bit of a cry, but i stayed strong! haha. engaging story though... and thanks to lawry i now know a little bit more about the shinsengumi, adding some historical context to the movie.

i suppose i shouldn't be surprised, but...

1. it's hard "saying no" to what you like... :/
2. google has its own blog!
3. it looks like work has already started on the "other end of the road"... hmmm...
4. it's been suggested to me that "it would be good if i didn't just concentrate on my work but try to help out the folks in another section... if i'm not snowed under" (my paraphrase, since i can't recall the exact words). riiight... let me be the judge of how much snow i perceive, eh?
5. pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis is (supposedly) a real word, and was reported by a recent newspaper snippet to have appeared in a spelling contest involving 11-14 year old kids!
6. a google search on the above term returns over 6000 hits! for this and other word oddities, click here.

oh well. i'm off to catch when the last sword is drawn at the japanese film festival tonight. hope it's good :)