Monday, August 12, 2002

i am perturbed. (actually i have been for some time now... this probably goes back at least two years, but has no less a contemporary relevance.)

a touch of anger. a spoonful of disappointment. a pinch of frustration. liberal doses of disheartenedness and sadness. plus 11 other secret herbs and spices.

kentucky fried quop.

why is it that sometimes your friends (good, and/or close friends at that) appear to treat you worse than distant friends, acquaintances, or even strangers? it doesn't seem to be any act of deliberate mistreatment, moreover they don't seem to realise that it's happened.

is it just me? am i overly sensitive? are my boundaries and thresholds out of kilter with the rest of society? or is it them? are the boundaries and thresholds of chunks of society out of kilter with mine. or are we perhaps both out of kilter with some other absolute reference?

if i'm mistreated by people from whom i have no reason to expect favourable treatment, i'd probably feel anger and indignation more than anything else, if anything. plus injustice, if i've not been afforded the same fair go as the next person. but i think for the most part i'd get over it... move on.

yet being mistreated by people from whom i have no reason to expect unfavourable treatment, moreover those from whom i'd hope to receive favourable treatment... that's a more bitter pill to swallow. this distraughts me, given that it's happened multiple times with multiple people (multiple friends...). what am i doing wrong? what's wrong with me?

friends... can be a blessing. should be a blessing. is it right, should it be possible, that they can be a curse? i'm still friends with them all... our respective friendships do not appear to have suffered as a result. then again, i've never spoken up about it...

maybe i should. one day i'll need to learn how. without offending, without accusing, with an aim towards mutual understanding... to repair the hurt and to use that as a stepping stone to further and strengthen the friendship.

am i like this to any of my friends? i hope not, but no doubt i have been, and probably will be. when i am, and where i have been, please... please be kind enough to admonish. the power to change others is not within my grasp; even the power to change myself is not fully within my grasp. but it's a start. and you need a start if you're going to get anywhere.

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