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Friday, April 01, 2005

reflections on...

... romans 14 (v23):
if you want something
even though you know it's wrong
is that what's called sin?


... ecclesiastes:

i'm sitting with a group of people, who happen to be looking at and thinking about the message of ecclesiastes. one of the big points to come out is that life is meaningless; that there's no point in trying to be wise because in the end you die the same as the fool next to you.

i'm sitting in the house where she lives. we haven't really talked, and things have changed since we once did. one of the big thoughts to strike me is that there's no point in trying to be wise because in the end, the (in my opinion) unwise gets the fish, and the (trying to be) wise comes home empty handed.

how is it that one can do away with wisdom and appear to succeed, yet another try to follow wisdom and appear to fail?

yes i know that the catch of the unwise is really not, and that though the wise be catchless the results aren't the only things that count. but sometimes the gap between head and heart rivals the grand canyon.

good thing that the preacher concludes that there *is* something that takes us beyond the meaningless, and that differentiates between the good and the bad. wisdom is not futile.



... my recent posts:

FOM (one of the very select few i know who actually read these entries :p) commented that my recent posts all seem very sighworthy in an "it's all too hard" kind of sense. i guess it can seem that way, but that's mostly because you won't hear a squeak when a wheel is well-oiled and running smoothly ;) i'm still alive and breathing. and struggling at times... *shrugs*

Monday, March 28, 2005

same old, with a twist of retrograde

the danger with watching romance movies is that they suck you into a romantic worldview. and as my dvd companions tonight noted, i am (in their eyes, surprisingly so) such a one. we watched the prince and me, and guess what? i've written more haiku...
butterflyaway
edvard and paige could succeed
why not me and you?

- - - - -

closet romantic
many things i'd planned for you
they shall remain dreams
i decided to actually find out if i'm really doing this right (in terms of the haiku writing i mean), and i think i'm sort of not really. hard to say, a preliminary search seems to show that there are different "rules" around. i'll just settle for not calling my efforts anything other than basic and simple.

anyways, back to my elementary poetry and their inspiration. have been realising over the last day or few that a "bitter root" seems to be growing, with said source of inspiration being a significant contributing factor. this is partially reflected in the third haiku for today (though it was actually composed before today, and is, relatively speaking, fairly tame).
my little princess
knows not what it is you want
i cannot help you.
it's like playing snakes & ladders, getting up through a few small/short ladders only to encounter a majorly long snake. i really shouldn't be in this place. how did i get here? how do i get out?

Saturday, March 26, 2005

haiku hiking part 1.5

part two is finished (insofar as i don't think i'll go back and do any more edits etc), but don't know if i'm ready to "publish" it yet. meanwhile other compositions are still coming in. here's a product of some mulling today:
angst -- frequent and deep
is what you're causing in me
when will this pain end?
or how about these... composed while trying to blog about the first effort above[1]:
"beautiful", you said
your next BGR will be
i thought: could be me.

alas, i was wrong -
i'm not in your plans, i see...
i guess i'm not he.
i'm not so sure whether this therapy theory is holding much water, eh? maybe i need to give it more time to work...

[1] makes me wonder... am i just suddenly getting really good/proficient at haiku? or have i actually become an expert in copying diamonds by spitting out cubic-zirconias?

Monday, March 21, 2005

haiku hike (part 1 of maybe 2)

i thought i'd try to climb back into the black with my burgeoning sleep debt (or at least halt the hastening slide into a deeper negative!) by going to bed before midnight last night. failed by a few minutes, so thought that was a reasonably good effort compared to what's typical. all that good work went to waste when i found myself awake before 6:30am the next morning, hearing the sounds of the neighbours (note to self: sleep with the window closed in future) over breakfast, and experiencing half a blocked/stuffy nose and a slightly sore throat...

after lying in bed for a while trying to get back to sleep, i made it through to a few snoozes of my alarm before getting out of bed. by this time, i was sufficiently lucid and unexpectedly inspired to proffer some verse. not that i've ever written any haiku (except when required to in high school english??), but all my creative juices seemed to flow in that direction today... and bilingually too! actually i'm not sure if i'm hijacking the format a bit... the only thing i'm conforming to is the syllabic structure, can't remember if there's something like an "essence" factor i'm missing... but oh well. this is part one (in chinese), a single haiku. part two may be posted if i finish it, as it's still wip atm - it's a multi-stanza collection of haikus (what's the plural of 'haiku'??).

some people find writing prose/poetry a good outlet. i hope it has the desired therapeutic effect...
我深爱着你
但没机会两人行
单苦恋之王
stay tuned. maybe...

Saturday, March 19, 2005

i'm finding...

that
  • 不管向左走还是向右走,都是寂寞。
    • it's the case when i wake up (cos i'm housesitting, and i'm the only one there)
    • it's the case when i go out, and am in the crowds
    • it's the case when i come home (to my family, but everyone's doing their own thing and now everyone's gone out)
  • i catch myself doing things like (all of which i can do without fear of anyone giving me weird looks, because i'm in a house all by myself!)
    • talking to myself
    • staring at my reflection in the mirror
    • walking around, back and forth
    • sometimes pausing to lean on doorframes wondering what i'm doing, or where i'm going next
    • occasionally banging my head against a wall or other hard surface (only lightly - i'm not that much of a masochist :p)
    • make unintelligible sounds - some closer to singing/humming, others closer to groans
  • i've been blogging a fair bit in the last 24 hours!
  • i still want to ask "why", even though
    • i don't know the answer
    • i might never know the answer
    • the answer might not even exist
    • assuming it does exist, even if i did know the answer, i may still not understand
    • whether or not i understand, i'd probably just ask another "why" (you know, like those annoying conversations with little kids who keep asking why...)
i feel that God is saying to me: my stubborn and rebellious child, why do you kick against the goads? (oh look, there's another "why"!)

ahh... so many dreams, and an equal number of burst bubbles.

dust will eventually settle if you don't stir it.

sorry, wrong address...

looking for canaan? sorry, wrong address...

guess i won't be needing this anymore, huh? thought i'd take a photo for posterity before i took it off...

not quite ready to break out in verse (which is too rare a thing to logically expect anyway), so in the tradition of all good cooking and similar shows, here's something i prepared earlier! hmm... looks like it was some 6-7 years ago! gee i prepare well ;)

i suppose so far it has stood the test of (at least some) time, which could be considered a mark of greatness? hehe. oh the memories... :p




(and oh the pain/heartache/sorrow/self-doubt/[insert favourite melancholic word/phrase]...)

why is it that

sometimes...

- when you need to wake up, all you want to do is sleep for a few more hours;
but when you need and have the "time" to sleep, you inexplicably wake up early?

- when you want to be strong and brave, your eyes well up and tears flow; but when you want to have a good cry, the ducts run dry?

- broken dreams are the hardest to let go of, to leave behind and move on...

...

fools have dreams too, but who dares doesn't always win.

...

when you think about it, "why" isn't really the right question to be asking, is it? that can be hard to get past/wrap your mind around too. guess it means this grasshopper ain't yet ready to leave the monastery.

...

if you go basejumping sans chuteware, i wonder what sorts of thoughts run through your mind in that span between take off and landing? (yes this is a random-ish sort of thought; no i am not suicidal :p)

"hmm... i think i forgot to turn the stove off this morning"?
"note to self: remember to buy milk and bread on the way home"?
"air is good, i should plant more trees"?

or maybe something more along the lines of

"uh-oh, this is gonna hurt something serious"?
"i hope i blank out before i hit - they say this increases your survival chances"?
"I AM ICARUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUSSS!!! *splat*"?

...

not all crash landings are rough and tumble affairs though. while a "lesser" pilot (again, not that i know *anything* about flying planes!) might focus on the lights and alarms going off all over the instrument panel, the smoke pouring out of the engines, the stuck landing gear, the hole in the fuselage, screaming passengers (well, those who are still conscious anyway) in a rapidly depressurising cabin, the concussed copilot and the persistent thought of "why me?!", a good pilot would focus on scanning the horizon to ascertain the best landing spot available, to control the impact vector and approach as horizontally as possible, to glide/slide upon impact, and generally think about how best to manage the given situation (rather than focus on the situation itself).

methinks 'tis time to clock up a few more hours on the old flight sim.

abort, abort!

not that i know anything about flying combat jet planes... (except the vicarious sorties via the likes of top gun etc :p)

in a dogfight, having gained lock on your bogey, taking too long to fire your weapon gives the enemy a good chance to shake you.

maybe that was where i went wrong. then again, maybe it's not about doing things right or wrong - the "me" isn't really sovereign.

and why am i even talking about it like it's good vs. bad? anyways, there is no more sniping mission. no bank. no desert.

oh wait, the desert is real(ity) - it's still there. i mean, i'm still there. there are just no more mirages.

i don't think i fully feel it yet, but i'm sure it'll catch up to me. maybe when i wake up in the morning.

for now, i'll just try to get a nice, long sleep. no alarms. rest. chill. and try not to think too much :S

Lord, help me to trust in You.

Tuesday, March 15, 2005

hitching a ride on the gadget express

ever wanted a hi-md minidisc walkman with mp3 support AND a built-in camera? well look no further...! all this convergence stuff is getting a little out of hand i think :o

- - - - -

a shift of my usual tuesday plans resulted in a free night and a chance to take advantage of BCC's current $5 tuesday specials by going to watch hitch with two people who i don't think i've actually ever been to the movies with before. (hmm... that grammar sounds awkward. meh...) wasn't overly sold on hitch beforehand, but found it to be pretty ok in the romance stakes and probably funnier than i expected. bring back the cheap(er) movie prices i say!

actually i don't think my recent diet of rom coms is the best thing to be feeding my mind at the present, but they've all been pretty good! :p it's enough to inspire one to "go skydiving" :)

Sunday, March 13, 2005

open louvre

i have been following the current series of my restaurant rules since about the second episode (having never watched the first series), and had been looking forward to checking out the brisbane entry, restaurant louvre.

i had tried to organise a group to go because dining out is always more fun in the company of friends, but i encountered an 80% pike rate with the friends who initially were keen on the uptake. nevertheless, one person stayed true to his word, and together with another late ring-in, our party of three arrived in milton to a small queue - thankfully so because we had feared that getting there too late would mean a 2-3 hour wait for the first lot of customers to finish their meals.

there was some delay getting in, but only because francesca (left) was personally greeting each diner and showing them to their seats - a nice personal touch i thought. and thus we were seated and perusing the menu a half hour after the scheduled opening time. the atmosphere was moderately buzzing, and soon the place was filled to capacity - save one table of 4 (more on that later).

the first waiter who attended to us gave us some recommendations. we only saw him once or twice more the whole evening, but that was fine because the waitress who we did see more of was pretty friendly and chatty. anyway, we decided to start with the harissa and palm sugar cured ocean trout, cucumber sorbet and sea salt tuile. besides not having much of an idea of what this dish would be like (let alone having ever come across some of the words in the name!), i was just a bit non-plussed at just how small a $19.50 appetiser could be when it arrived some 15-20 minutes after ordering... anyhow, we picked at the small mounds of food and were very pleasantly delighted at the reception our taste buds gave to the combination of the trout and the sorbet. who knew cucumber could be made into a sorbet! hehe...

another 20 minutes later and our mains had arrived. by this time, so too had the MRR judges - turns out the spare table was reserved for them. i'm sure this lifted the buzz/atmosphere a notch or three :) but back to our table... our three choices here were (from L-R above) the oven-baked kingfish, fennel puree, lychee and citrus salad, the stockyard short bone rib, red onion tarte tatin and cafe de paris butter, and the moreton bay bug and chorizo risotto, cress and lemon oil. all rather scrumptious and well received by the happy diners (we shared a bit so we could sample as much of the menu as possible). our first side dish (the truffled mash potatoes) was served with the mains, but the other side dishes (the rocket, pear and walnut salad) arrived 10 minutes late (after we chased its whereabouts), and also came with the fork (handle) nestled against the salad itself - i thought this was a bit below par, as one normally expects to use the fork to dig through the salad, not dig through the salad to get at the fork.

earlier in the night i had inquired as to whether francesca would be singing at all, and she indicated she may do requests. not being all that musically cluey, i couldn't really think of what song to request. in the end i settled on "moon river", and she promised she would sing for me after i finish my main course. true to her word, she came by our table as we were thinking about dessert, and gave a little private performance - i had hoped to hear her voice filling the whole restaurant, but hey... a little private session has that personal touch :D i'm not sure if she gets badgered much to sing, but i appreciate her willingness to fulfil my request and to do it all with a smile. unfortunately i didn't manage to get a nice shot of her in action... oh well.

an hour after starting on our mains, we were staring at a vacherin with banana parfait, banana beignet and roasted cinnamon ice cream for dessert, which was again shared for taste testing. the vacherin was already falling off the ice cream by the time it arrived at our table, and you can see from the photo evidence of it having been repositioned (by us) prior to the shot. this was, as with pretty much all of the food we had, quite nice. the only real exception was for the rocket, for which i didn't care much, but then again i've never been into bitter tastes...

our bill arrived shortly after, along with some chocolates, a postcard (complete with a recipe on the back for their signature dish which was way too technical for us culinary simpletons!), and a $30 gift voucher redeemable at a neighbouring beauty salon - this we unanimously consented to leave for the sole female on the table to enjoy :p (i was pretty surprised at the "size" of the complimentary gift... and even though it's not something i could really use myself, receiving it does take a bit of the psychological sting out of our bill). we stayed chatting away while waiting for someone to collect our payment, which none of the staff seemed in any particular hurry to do, and finally left the venue satisfied with an enjoyable night out :)


other miscellaneous thoughts/comments:
  • there is quite a mixture of styles of seating, which i found slightly odd. so where you got seated determined your level of comfort (whether your seat has a back, and whether it is cushioned). there is also a communal table in the middle of the main section, so you could well end up sitting next to some complete stranger(s)! could be a good thing, or could be a bit off-putting if you want some privacy/personal space/elbow room...
  • the storage unit for the cutlery/linen is quite funky! irregularly shaped surface, with unconventional and stylised knobs. interesting piece. didn't think to get a photo...
  • the toilets (which we didn't actually go use/see) are apparently very small/crampy.
  • also didn't get to peek at the kitchen, for fear of getting in the way of the staff and tv crew.
  • there's another side section which we didn't know about until we left and saw it from the outside! quite separate from the main area, so probably good for more private group dinners etc, but you could also feel cut off from the front.
  • forgot to look for the confession booth and record some comments! darn... miss out on my 5 seconds of fame (assuming it would have made it to air :p). now i have to settle for looking for myself in the background when francesca was standing between our table and the cameraman, while talking to the judges table...
  • speaking of the cameraman, boy he was literally dripping sweat! must be hot and hard work... :o
  • i'd swear that the original pitch for the restaurant included todd in the kitchen, and francesca out front, occasionally singing (for the entertainment of diners). but there's really no dedicated space for her to do this, as far as i can see. this was a bit of a disappointment, as it was part of what i expected of the complete louvre experience.
  • the food, while delightful to eat, is rather on the expensive side (if not completely over the border!) maybe i don't fit the market they're targeting, but take away the tv (show) and the novelty factor, and i don't think i'd ever consider dining at a place like this... maybe once every few years at the most, for very very special occasions??
  • on a related note, the servings are not what you would describe as "generous". i've heard it said that the food is designed to be consumed as a 3 course meal. that would make it a $70+ per person affair (for food alone) if you all had the full 3 courses and a side.
  • it's good having friends to share!
  • it's disappointing when they pike.
  • i had fun :)

Thursday, March 10, 2005

oasis

in the desert of reality,
where dreams are but a mirage,
i pray for a miracle...

Tuesday, March 08, 2005

a banking analogy

it's like waiting in a queue at a bank, and you look up at a teller window, and the person is busy, and the sign says "closed" or "next teller".

then repeat for all possible teller windows within sight.

my advice? don't do your banking here... seriously. i don't think it pays any interest hey?

i should have just gone to sleep early like i keep telling myself i would...

Sunday, March 06, 2005

white collar marksman

a running update since my last entry...
  • sisters night 2005 - not without its share of problems, gremlins and just good old miscommunication and lack of adequate preparation, but i thought overall the night went reasonably ok with all the boys pulling together playing different roles (and being different "parts of the body") to make it all happen. i think it's safe to say that our guests had an enjoyable and memorable evening, and both us and them should be thankful to our common Lord for the gift of fellowship made possible through the giving of His Son. and i gotta say it was quite a bit of fun getting into the spirit of things with items like the "k-ci & jojo" ripoff (pictured) and our rendition of the "lord of the tight pants" routine (courtesy of some zany folk at kollaboration.org). can't wait to watch the video :p
  • entering the public service - a fair few people have been asking me how the new job is going. well i haven't really started working yet, in the sense that i'm still only about one-third of the way through my induction/training program. i've started with 7 other recruits, and so far it's been verging on the information overload plus struggling with consciousness during the less mentally stimulating sessions. i gotta say that i do feel the part somewhat, dressed in my "business attire" and with the photo id (technically it's not an id card, just a building pass) on a neck strap and clipped to the shirt ;) am tentatively looking forward to doing some actual work, but not altogether relishing the thought of a full call centre workload. i'm sure i can hang in there long enough to see a good window to climb out of... and make a vertical or horizontal move away from the phones. well, one step at a time. can't complain too much... it's good pay, good conditions and good location - except for the fact that there's about 200+ carparks for a 1000+ employee office, and the only staff carpark available fills up within 15-20 minutes of opening!
  • pounding the pavement - so i did a bit of walking (from home to work and vice versa) the first few days, before getting in on a very temporary and tenuous parking arrangement with a nearby restaurant... guess i'll just have to take what i can, when i can! it's a bit warm at the moment and i don't particularly like getting hot and sweaty in my business clothes... plus it doesn't help that my shoes aren't really made for a lot of walking. either that, or my feet have been too spoilt by wearing sports shoes almost every day for the last 4 years! so i decided to give my feet a bit of a treat and cover them with a pair of hush puppies :) so far i'm fairly happy with them :D
  • ironing - bah... 'nuff said. haven't had to do this on a regular basis since 1999... and i fully regard the return to be a retrograde step :p thank goodness for wrinkle-free shirts, of which i have a few. that, plus casual dress fridays... anything to cut down on my need to "dress up" on a daily basis and to iron shirts. don't really see the point, given that the only people who are going to see much of me during the day are my fellow employees, and some/many of them dress down to varying degrees. i think i'll start sliding that way fairly quickly!

ok this has turned out to be a longer post that i originally thought... gotta stop with my serial late nights and get into a better sleeping pattern (ie getting to bed earlier, and thus getting more sleep). one last comment, since some people (ie. the very select few who actually read my posts :p) have asked me how the sniping is going... it's not. it's like i'm walking down a hallway, trying doors left and right to check the rooms beyond the doors for windows. some rooms are window-less. some rooms have windows but a second look shows them to be barred, or otherwise inaccessible/unusable. then there's the odd room with a window that looks like it could be opened. but once i enter and approach the window, it recedes! so bottom line is... no available windows in sight (and i've resolved to not force any windows). so i wait for a good shot. one bullet - use wisely. that's what snipers do.

Friday, February 25, 2005

crumbs... foiled again!

the day passed in a relatively pain-free manner... broken up in the middle by a ~1.75hr lunch at the garden grill restaurant of the glen hotel - the pork fillet with sweet potato and cranberry juice/sauce went down quite nicely :) but, as murphy's law would have it, a flurry of work came to me soon after coming back from lunch... nevertheless i'm now finally finished my "tour of duty" at work, and can look forward to new battlefields ahead. it may mean waking up earlier / being more disciplined with my sleeping habits (which i should do anyway), and it will mean business shirts and ironing (the everyday wearing of which i am not a fan).

- - - - -

sometimes i think of myself as a sniper - not that i *really* know anything about the art and skill involved in being one, and not that i have any desire to kill anyone with a high-powered rifle or similar weapon... this is purely an analogy vehicle, ok? right... disclaimer over :p

i think of myself as a sniper in the sense that sometimes a sniper waits... and waits... and waits... for that perfect shot. or at least a shot that's good enough for them to take, and be confident of making "one shot, one kill". sometimes it might be trying to line up a target, but you can't get a good look so it's a negatory to 'do you have a shot?' other times a target might be lined up in the crosshairs, and you're tracking and tracking, on the verge of pulling the trigger... then last minute someone steps in to block your shot. that's what/how i feel about an incident earlier tonight.

at the risk of stretching the analogy too thin, i've been trying to manoeuvre myself into position for a good shot all week, and kept finding my potentials whittled away due to one factor or another contributing to unsuitability. but then i found a good spot, and tracked my target for a few days, awaiting the actual shot window tonight. and it looked like it could be a good, clean shot. so of course over the last 24 hours or so i've been psyching myself up to pull the trigger, and tonight i was poised and about ready as i'll ever be.

then an unexpected hindrance surfaced, and i lost my shot! that shot could have made this day much more momentous and defining. alas... Many are the plans in the mind of a man, but it is the purpose of the LORD that will stand. (Proverbs 19:21)

Thursday, February 24, 2005

there's nothing like...

... a pending move/departure to force you to clean/tidy up :p

i can see a lot more actual desk now!

less than 2 days to go... *tick* *tock*

will be going straight into new job, so no cake-eating break as i had originally hoped. oh well...

only thing is, i think i'm starting to come down with a cold... :S a parting gift from work, perhaps?? :o

Monday, February 21, 2005

the romantic in me

Love at First Sight
a poem by Wislawa Szymborska (originally in Polish)
-translated by Walter Whipple

Both are convinced
that a sudden surge of emotion bound them together.
Beautiful is such a certainty,
but uncertainty is more beautiful.

Because they didn't know each other earlier, they suppose that
nothing was happening between them.
What of the streets, stairways and corridors
where they could have passed each other long ago?

I'd like to ask them
whether they remember-- perhaps in a revolving door
ever being face to face?
an "excuse me" in a crowd
or a voice "wrong number" in the receiver.
But I know their answer:
no, they don't remember.

They'd be greatly astonished
to learn that for a long time
chance had been playing with them.

Not yet wholly ready
to transform into fate for them
it approached them, then backed off,
stood in their way
and, suppressing a giggle,
jumped to the side.

There were signs, signals:
but what of it if they were illegible.
Perhaps three years ago,
or last Tuesday
did a certain leaflet fly
from shoulder to shoulder?
There was something lost and picked up.
Who knows but what it was a ball
in the bushes of childhood.

There were doorknobs and bells
on which earlier
touch piled on touch.
Bags beside each other in the luggage room.
Perhaps they had the same dream on a certain night,
suddenly erased after waking.

Every beginning
is but a continuation,
and the book of events
is never more than half open.


- - - - -

i think this is the version that appears in the movie turn left, turn right which i saw recently. without knowing much about the movie to begin with, i must say that it first appealed, then took a firm grip on the romantic in me. and despite some cliches, corniness, and suspension of reality along the way (which is not to say that the movie was without its share of nice touches - the opening umbrella scene is a beautiful image, as is a similar picture at the end), didn't let go for the whole movie... (i wonder if it hasn't got a hook or two left in me still!)



what can i say? but to sigh wistfully and gaze off into the distance?

part of the vcd cover promo says that "你盼望著的那個人, 原來一直活在你的左右". although it's not quite the same scenario as the movie (ok ok it's really nowhere near the same scenario - the only real similarities are that there is a guy, there is a girl, and there is a hint or maybe a hope of two parallel lines touching...), i think 这个真理我好像已经了解了,现在只等机会和她见个面,聊了天,提出我们两人之间的未来...

if only it were that easy!

- - - - -
there are a lot of connotations and perhaps implied understandings when words and phrases like "fate", "destiny", and "love at first sight" are bandied about. let me just say that i don't necessarily subscribe to the contemporary/popular understandings of these words in full, though i haven't (yet) completely discarded them from my vocabulary. clarifications available upon application ;)

Saturday, February 19, 2005

convicted... and pardoned :)

the story of YF brothers day 2005...



thank you YF sisters :)

- - - - -

There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus. For the law of the Spirit of life has set you free in Christ Jesus from the law of sin and death. (Romans 8:1-2, ESV)

- - - - -

"We must rest ourselves upon his power; we must be confident of this, that Christ can make us clean. No guilt is so great but that there is a sufficiency in his righteousness to atone for it; no corruption so strong, but there is a sufficiency in his grace to subdue it." (quote from I don't know where... but came across it just now and thought it was a good fit!)

Monday, February 14, 2005

it's with a note of resignation that i say...

see you later alligator!

i'm officially out of here... or will be after another 10 (working) days.

they say a change is as good as a holiday, but i'm hoping to have my cake and eat it too :) greedy aren't i? haha.

well, see how lor...

Friday, February 11, 2005

what is it with these tv programming people?

after going for a stretch earlier this year where i didn't watch tv for days on end, ratings season is back. and with it, some of my old favourites... along with a few new contenders!

so i went out last night to catch up with a friend who i haven't caught up with for months and months, and there's 4 hours of tv on at night that i want to see, 3 of which run one after the other, and the fourth is smack bang in the middle on a different channel. fortunately the middle hour show is repeated a few days later, so figure i can tape it then, and do a bit of juggling of stations and start/end times with the vcr programming (since the shows never seem to start or end on time!) with the other 3 hours. too easy.

imagine my extreme displeasure when i discover today that one of the shows (er - which i've been following for years) had an unadvertised double episode! which of course means my vcr wasn't set to record the second hour... grrr...

- - - - -

anyways, while watching the latest episode of the amazing race, i kinda felt for the sisters who toiled some 8 hours on the final task without luck, a hurdle which led to their elimination from the race. they seemed like nice people (which is more than i can say for many of the other contestants). i guess that sometimes things just don't work out the way you want them to. i can identify with the waiting... and frustration... as others come by and seem to get their bit done with a minimum of fuss or bother, while you toil without success and watch on in dismay.

yesterday i was waiting. today, half the wait is over. i feel a lot of relief and pump-your-fist-in-the-air YEAH!!!ness. but let's not get too carried away just yet :)

still... it's not too early to say 'thank you God', for he is good. all the time :D

Thursday, February 10, 2005

the elegant dress of error

"Error never shows itself in its naked reality, in order not to be discovered. On the contrary, it dresses elegantly, so that the unwary may be led to believe that it is more truthful than truth itself." (Irenaeus of Lyons—2nd Century A.D.)

Tuesday, February 08, 2005

chinese new year songs ringing in my head

well actually just one song, cos it's the only one i seem to be able to recall!

i ate too much, but am much contented... at least temporarily ;)

anyways, happy chinese new year, if you are one to 'celebrate' the event :)

- - - - -

this year of the rooster, i'm going for it.

tbc (maybe).

Tuesday, February 01, 2005

approaching the jordan

40 nights ago, i started wearing a piece of wire around my wrist. over these past few weeks there have been those who enquired about my new and unusual bit of "fashion". to most i gave a vague or diversionary reply... those who probed further may have been told that it does have some significance/meaning, and is symbolic of something.

40 nights ago, i made a vow. actually it was three vows - one primary, two secondary. the secondaries didn't last... (though they have since been addressed by something even better). the primary stood, and stands still.

40 nights ago, i decided (or should that read "the HS convicted me" :p) that something(s) needed to change... needed to stop. doing so would be good for me, good for (my relationship with) God, and good for a third person. whether any further good is to follow, i know not. but i know these past 40 days/nights have been intrinsically worthwhile.

40 nights ago, i sighted a river to cross.

this night i have reached its banks. only with God's help can i cross to the other side... IF indeed the land there is my canaan.

the river is wide, and the water still flowing.

Monday, January 24, 2005

ill-logical

(lest anyone errantly conclude that i'm a frequent consumer of hollywood tabloidism, let me just clarify that i came across this bit of "news" via an information security mailing list :p)

so paris hilton has her blackberry hacked and the perp is reading her emails, and a someone (the source of this news) had this to say about it: "She was pretty upset about it. It's one thing to have people looking at your sex tapes, but having people reading your personal e-mails is a real invasion of privacy."

what i want to know is, what's so "ok" about people having a front row seat to your sexual activities - how is that *not* an invasion of privacy??!! but i suppose that there are some in this world of ours who perhaps have no qualms with exhibitionism... and perhaps those who make such tapes never really intend for them to stay all that private...

Friday, January 21, 2005

*wince*

there's nothing like a bout of tangible, tense-your-muscles, squirm-in-your-seat physical pain and discomfort to take your mind off the emotional kind. i had my dad work some of his skills on my back and neck earlier tonight - apparently i have a couple of lumps in my neck which are giving me trouble. and the bonus prize is i'm probably going to be sore for the next few days??!! hrm....

- - - - -

i hate the way i've been feeling the last couple of days. it's not a new sensation, just one that recurs every now and then. i hate the dejection and self-doubt that creeps in as a result of the way (i perceive) i am treated by a certain person. i feel like i want to give up. give in. throw my hands in the air in exasperation and walk away, never to return.

but i can't. or maybe i'm just not willing to. not now... not yet.

it hurts because i care. perhaps too much so.

thus am i compelled to persevere.

忍

if it all works out in the end it will be worth it.

if it doesn't, i think i need to know that at least i tried my best. the rest is in God's hands.

- - - - -

on a more positive note, i found out today that i'm into the final straight with my last major job application. it's a "don't go quitting your present job yet, but you'll be getting an offer pending some final integrity checks" type of deal. final result still some weeks away, but boy am i glad to see some light in that there tunnel... i just hope it's the exit ;)

Sunday, January 16, 2005

1 down, 4 to go...

well... 4 more that i *know* of at the moment anyway! who knows if any others might pop up during the year! it's bringing to mind the "wedding march" of some 16 months ago - actually looking back at that entry, i was having trouble remembering who one of those couples mentioned is in real life! shocking memory of mine... *sigh*

anyways. saturday was a fairly full on day, running here and there and generally occupied with one thing or another. it was warm, and the decision to ditch my suit jacket was a quick one. the wedding itself was nice, lots of smiles all round. i saw her again, and this time there was recognition and even a brief "hey", but that was about the extent of our interaction. the reception was held at a function centre, with the actual catering done by the groom's family (and friends?) - mostly indian fare which is a change from most wedding dinners i've attended!

3 months till the next in the queue... :)

Thursday, January 13, 2005

"calculating corporate marketing science"?

call me a cynic, but there's something about this article (A symphony of giving, but the trumpet blowing's a bit overdone) that strikes a chord about all the supposed altruism and philanthropy that's been going around and widely reported. i didn't watch the concert/telethon, but i did watch the special one day cricket match a few days later. sure enough, there was plenty of trumpet blowing there too.

food for thought...

Friday, January 07, 2005

opportunity cost... investment of time

so i missed out on round two of the feast and fireworks fest by the crew with too much money to burn. not because i couldn't go, but because i chose not to. not because i didn't want to, but because there was something else i wanted to do. the quality of company wins out over good food or entertainment any day :) and i guess i do see the time i spent as an investment - making a small deposit which may not be very substantial or special in any other way, but which if the investment pays off will be worth every single cent.

although... it wasn't all that black and white. i did get to see the fireworks away from the others (and actually much closer to the source) - pity it was raining and rather windless, which meant i struggled to take decent pics through the car windscreen (or risk getting the camera too wet), and that the smoke hung around a lot more rather than dissipating. and my family brought back some of the leftovers from dinner, so i get to sample the fare too :p

hey this is almost sounding like a win-win scenario! lol... (pun and hidden meaning entirely intended, not that anybody else reading this would have much of an idea what i'm going on about! oh well... when i look back in 5 years' time maybe i'll smile a wistful smile at this... hehe)

Thursday, January 06, 2005

drop in the ocean

after more than a week of relative ignorance and shelteredness (i don't tend to get/seek much in the way of news, be it local or global), and tossing up doing something about the damage wreaked by the quake/tsunamis, i've finally decided to give to/via samaritan's purse. it may only be a drop, but it's a basic building block of an ocean.

other channels you may wish to consider if you're so inclined:

of course there are other well known relief/charity organisations out there, but i'm talking about the wrapping of the gospel in a sandwich... or blanket... or bandaid etc.

Saturday, January 01, 2005

fresh beginnings?

another year gone... and it is with some relief that i say goodbye to 2004 - in some (perhaps many?) it has been a rather tumuluous annus horribilis. then again i'm reminded that the passing of one year to the next is no different from any of the other 364 ticks of the clock from 23:59:59 to 00:00:00 of a typical calendar year. i'd be a fool to think that the days ahead will be any better, based merely on the premise that the least significant digit in the year has advanced by one.

time to leave the past behind, though not forgetting the lessons learnt and mistakes to avoid repeating. the scars will stay, but the sins have been forgiven in and through Christ. it's time for a new day, a new morning...

The steadfast love of the LORD never ceases; his mercies never come to an end;
they are new every morning; great is your faithfulness.
"The LORD is my portion," says my soul, "therefore I will hope in him."

-- Lamentations 3:22-24

Tuesday, December 28, 2004

memories of one

today was wedding day... after sleeping in, it was wake up, turn on computer, shower, eat and rush off... and out for the whole day. this is a pic of the newlyweds with the yf crew. kbc has well decked-out audio and lighting!

item #1 that bothered me today: i did recall seeing her during the ceremony, and maybe even before the ceremony started. there was zero recognition on my part. i figured she was just someone i didn't know - after all, there were plenty of other guests i didn't know. after the ceremony i found myself near where she was sitting, and someone else in an adjacent row called out to me and we started chatting. after a minute or two (by now i was standing less than a meter from her, though i think she had her back to me a bit as she was talking to the person beside her), it finally dawned on me who she was! sure i hadn't seen her for a while, and very rarely all year, but had i really failed to recognise her? it was both funny and a bit disturbing. maybe i'm making too much of it, but it did surprise me that it took me so long to recognise someone who not (that) long ago i had been close to...

straight after the reception and bushdance (in which i didn't participate, partly because there was only really one person i would have liked to have danced with, and well... it just wasn't going to happen, and so my heart wasn't in it to be having *that* much fun :p), i drove off to join my parents at a "party" held by my dad's big boss(es). let's just say that these folks are rich. maybe not rich like bill gates or whoever the guy is that owns ikea and is now supposedly richer than bill gates, but plenty rich enough for the likes of me. they own pretty much the whole street in a waterfront/bayside area, and the main house is easily double the size of what i live in. and this is just the holiday house, one of many in the world, where they or their family/friends stay when they're in town. i mean, check this dining room for example - the table seats TWENTY people. that's crazy in my books...

anyways, the party. the big/old boss is in town and has a party, and the families of the employees who help look after these properties are all invited. the food (main dishes) is catered by a well known local chinese restaurant. wait staff included. then there's the entertainment - a 20 minute private fireworks display! i have no idea how much this would've cost, but i know it's nothing i could ever afford... it's setup so that we had the best seats in the house - from the back porch, looking across the canal, where the fireworks crew were set to launch the fireworks from a park on the other side. of course, plenty of passing motorists stopped to view the free show. and that's not all - all us kids (ie children of employees and other friends) were given an ang pao (red packet). now firstly i was totally not expecting this cos it's like... i'm already getting treated to free food and a private fireworks viewing. and secondly i thought ok maybe this is just a token sorta thing... no idea how much would be inside right? maybe a $10 or a $20 at the most? of course it would've been rude to open it straight away, so i checked it on the drive home... and i guess i was close... just add a zero to my first guess. yeah. that's rich. so i decide to give it to my parents cos 1) none of the adults got any, and 2) i haven't given them anything all year and i feel bad about freeloading even though there's no obligation/pressure from them on me, and in fact my mum suggested i stop paying them when she realised i was still paying even after being unemployed for a few months last year.

item #2 that bothered me today: you'd think that having the sort of day that i had, i would/should be happy, right? sharing in friends' wedding, lots of free yummy food, having a momentary dip in lavishness... but no... at the end of (and during) all this i just feel kinda empty. like there's something missing. or maybe the thing should be a one. can't say more cos i'm incredibly scared it may all blow up in my face.

argh!

*sigh*

Monday, December 27, 2004

is that love i smell in the air?

  • 1x official wedding invitation for next month, received this afternoon
  • 1x wedding, to take place tomorrow
  • 1x engagement announcement (news just in a few minutes ago... she's skipped her two older siblings!)
  • 1x engagement from earlier this month, wedding to take place later next year
  • 1x wedding in april
  • 1x engagement in the pipeline

as for me? well... let's not even go there right now... i'll just try to be happy for those whom God has chosen to give the gift of marriage, while i learn to appreciate my singleness for however long i have it.

au revoir, mon ami

i haven't the words to express what/how i feel... today, this past week and a half, or perhaps even this past 9 months or so. i just know that the tears don't seem to want to stop flowing.

tonight, i said goodbye to my friend for the third, and quite possibly the last time in the space of 5 months. if we ever see each other again, the circumstances will be different than our past times together.

she says that this photo of us looks a bit suss... all i was doing was trying to block the camera lens cos i didn't want to have my photo taken, but it ended up looking like we're trying to hide something :p actually my eyes weren't even open so i didn't realise the outcome till later - all i was going by was the timing of the flashes, and sticking my hand up between the red eye reduction pre-flash and the actual flash for the exposure. or i suppose you could just call it art ;)

- - - - -

it seems that pretty much all the close and/or good friends i have, have in some way, shape or form "moved" away from me these past few years. this one has by far been the most emotional, perhaps at least partly because it is/seems so final.

i think i can count one remaining friend in the good/close category. most likely our friendship will change in the next few months also. i hope for the best, and so very much fear for the worst.

but life will, and needs to, go on. the morning will usher in a new day. i shall sleep long, awake, and get some therapeutic value out of a nice shower.

here's to tomorrow...

Wednesday, December 08, 2004

rain on my parade

the rain is falling with a bit of a vengeance at the moment. well, perhaps "falling" isn't quite the right word - it seemss too passive for what sounds like drops which are hoping to drum their way through whatever solid objects cross their path, similar to how a waterfall wears away and smooths the rocks below it, but on a slightly gentler scale :)

still new-jobless.

and people are reneging on and declining my free tickets, leaving me with half the tickets unallocated (with yours truly making up half of the allocated half).

i need more friends :p

i need sleep. if only this rain could continue all night, and i continue sleeping all day tomorrow!

Sunday, December 05, 2004

good one...!

as in, with sarcasm...

because i've "wasted" my afternoon and evening playing those darn addictive games trying to beat my best scores, watching australia lose the ODI to the kiwis, and generally pottering around, when i should have either worked on some job applications, or gotten some rest. now it's getting late, and i've achieved neither... (ok i did complete some things could could be considered productive... thought not quite of any great importance or priority...)

and i've just agreed to let someone cut my hair. someone who's only ever really cut/trimmed her own hair and her sister's hair. i have 6 days to fret over this verbal commitment... :o

dumplings & thanksgiving

work in progress - some of the (pre-cooked) dumplings we made yesterday. as you can see from the variety of shapes on the tray, we had a few different methods of dumpling "folding", harking from various schools of thought (ie what our respective parents may have taught us). i reckon mine look the best and are the most orthodox :p

can you spot the cluster that i made?? hehe

once again i underestimated the time required to make the dumplings (as happens when you don't have enough experience under your best to be able to judge these things), and i was still preparing ingredients when my helpers showed up some 20 minutes late. plus we ran out of dumpling skin, so i had to race out to buy some more (and the first/closest place i went to didn't have any!) but we got there in the end (albeit 45 minutes behind schedule!), and this is the pot of dumplings we brought to the yf thanksgiving night. i was pretty happy with our effort, and i think next time i'll be a bit more organised (experience is a good teacher!), and might have to get a few more refining tips from my parents - i don't think there were any problems in the taste department, but from an aesthetic sense a lot of the dumplings "broke", either during cooking or mainly after storage. i can't believe i just said that - i usually care nothing for presentation etc, citing the logical fact that it's all the same when it gets to your stomach. so maybe i do care a little bit, hehe. call it taking pride in your work :p

anyways, thanksgiving night has become something of an annual tradition in yf, i think ever since the mid-90s when the chings introduced the idea (having brought it over from the states). we gather for a pot-luck dinner [see photo], followed by a time of sharing, reflecting, and giving thanks for the year gone by. it was a bit of a feast, and as usual i would have loved to have eaten even more, but at two helpings my stomach had reached its limit and i had to give it some time to digest all the goodness i had fed it :p

before the real sharing began, we were treated to a skit summarising (in a somewhat cross-pollinated sort of way!) some of the things we had covered in bible study this year. this photo shows a re-enactment of the sinister assassination of ehud (read all about in judges 3:12-30). hmm... upon closer examination of the photo, i think our ehud is using the wrong arm! oh well...

in any case, it was an excellent night of sharing and hearing about what other people have been going through/experiencing, and most importantly what they have been learning as a result. it seems that a lot of people had tough times this year, nevertheless they were all able to still see the God who is good, despite whatever difficulties they had experienced. and that's just a mightily encouraging thing. to hear the same theme running through different contexts and circumstances, really makes you reflect on what being thankful is all about... and i did share and say something about that too, which i might write about in another post.

for now, i'm off to play a bit of squares and curve ball... very simplistic games, but highly addictive! (you have been warned... :p)

Saturday, December 04, 2004

alternative appendicitis and the winning wave

this is a somewhat backdated entry. the seeds of thought were there a few nights ago, and i jotted down a few notes, but now can't quite fully recall the precise details relating to the brief notes.

anyways... thursday felt like a not-so-good day. as i said i can't remember exactly why - there was definitely more than one factor, but i can only recall one of them. maybe the other was related as well. yeah, i think it was. so anyways i find out on thursday that this whole outsourcing/restructure thing which was announced like two and half months ago (and which was supposed to take place within eight weeks) is still dragging on as far as my particular role was concerned. my role/job function is now not going to be transitioned for another month...

A.R.G.H.!!!

i'm finding it hard enough dragging myself out of bed every morning, tossing up whether or not i should just call in sick and not bother with the whole thing. i feel so much like an appendix - an appendage hanging on all by itself, sitting there doing who knows what day after day. to most people it may seem rather useless and devoid of any real function, but having the potential to cause great pain and distress should it be inflamed. as i said, i am ready to go at the drop of a hat... i just don't have a good hat yet. maybe one with pop-out blades hidden in the rim that i can use as an uber-shuriken... and lined with explosive powder that detonates on impact, just as i stroll casually away from the building, out of reach of the flames and projectiles... !

so back to thursday. i'm not happy. this news doesn't help. and as i was leaving work for the day (don't get me wrong, i do still turn up to work and do my work. at the same time i'll freely admit that i'm mostly operating on a "doing the minimum" mindset...), my manager catches me and apologises for the delay in my transition. it's not really his fault per se... but that doesn't stop the whole situation from being just a bit of a "good idea at the time but did anybody actually bother to plan and manage it properly???" that it currently is. and he comments that he notices that i've been a bit out of sorts lately... which got me thinking whether it was so obvious? i suppose i'm struggling to keep a lid on it sometimes... he said he doesn't want me to one day say to him that i've had enough and throw in the towel, that i should look forward to the new role (which i'm not really, but it's probably better than this dead-end road i'm currently on), that i should try to prove myself there etc etc. i then let him know why i'm not looking forward to the new role, and why i doubt that proving myself will result in anything (since i have already done so in my current role, and got nothing to show for it except malcontent and disillusionment). i think he resigned himself to agreeing with me, especially since he's only been here a few months and i've seen and heard more of how this place works than he has.

i went home. wanted to vege and do nothing, so had a bit of idiot boxing lined up. to my pleasant surprise, i had some winning moments:
  1. my cheque from opionionspaid came! i had "won" some money from doing their surveys... i suppose if you actually calculate how much time i spent on completing the surveys vs. how much money i got from it, it would probably work out to be a not very efficient way of getting money :p
  2. while getting ready to wash up the night's dishes, i turned on the radio to 96.5 (which is something i tend to do whenever i wash dishes), and within a minute or two heard something about a movie ticket giveaway, so i rang the station. didn't get through the first time and fiddled for a few seconds with the home phone to get the last number redial happening. thought i'd lost the opportunity cos it took me 2 or 3 goes to get it right, but the second call started ringing! and i got through... and won myself 4 tickets to a preview of the new hilary duff movie, raise your voice. lol... the guy asked if i was a fan, and i said not really :p but hey, a free movie is a free movie, and while this is probably not something i'd usually pay to go see, it also isn't something i'd avoid like the plague. actually, having spent some time looking through the site, i think i might enjoy the music in it at least :) so now all i need is to find some friends who might also enjoy such fare, and treat them to a free movie.

- - - - -

well now that i've gotten that out of my head, time to eat and get ready to make some dumplings later this afternoon! this will be my first real attempt at doing things from go to whoa - previously i've only assisted here and there when my parents were driving the show. i don't really have a proper recipe either... some helpers will come later to wrap and cook, so fingers crossed my preparation of ingredients doesn't go too badly (i'm not much of a cook, so i worry when i don't have precise directions!) anyways, if they turn out looking anything like these (not that i'm following her recipe/directions that closely), i'll be happy :D

Monday, November 29, 2004

roadworks progress

it seems i'm reduced to updating about the roadworks going on near my house. how boring. a fom who found out i blogged about this said i was weird. yes...

the roundabout taking shape... actually it's a bit of a hole in the ground which for a few days lay in wait for unsuspecting cars to drop into. the barriers on one side had been moved or just weren't placed properly, so if one got a bit too close...


i think this chicane is pretty much all completed. this is my favourite one cos you can pretty much pass through it at normal speed if you hold a good line :) kinda defeats the purpose of slowing vehicles down, but there's enough other devices on this stretch that i think one easy one is some compensation!

feeling of slow, fling of sti

isn't there even any straw for me to clutch at? pretty please?

*sigh*

sometimes i think i want to scream at the top of my lungs. maybe at the top of a mountain while the camera revolves around me, panning in and out (for dramatic effect, you understand). alas, i can barely manage to part my lips and begin to open my mouth. even when that does happen, the only thing that come out is a sigh (or a yawn!)

i want out something bad, but i don't think i'm going to get it.

it's funny how a lot of this is starting to look familiar. wasn't i here a few years ago?! now what wrong turn did i take to end up back here again...?

Saturday, November 27, 2004

a challenge more in my league

ok. i can live with not ranking amongst the google labs echelon. i know my place :p

so upon seeing this puzzle referred to on googleblog, i said to myself: you gotta be able to do that!

and that's the story of how i came to be, late one friday evening, sitting at home in front of my computer, trying to solve a puzzle (purely for the heck of it, you realise), before going to bed.

so now the challenge is - can YOU solve it? i don't know if there is more than one possible solution, and i'm pretty sure my solution fits the requirements... let's compare answers if you have one :)

- - - - -

the benefit paid from a single 30 minute visit to the dentist this morning has more than made up for my annual health insurance premium. mayhaps i'm in the wrong profession!

Friday, November 26, 2004

non google elite

no i don't think google would ever be interested in hiring me[1]... here's what i did instead[2]!


[1] after a bit more reading of the googleblog, i found the GLAT (google labs aptitude test), and thought i might have a chance at one or two of the questions (for when i'm feeling very mentally charged :p). a few more entries later, i find that i probably did well by standing around at the water's edge rather than jump straight in - people much more mathematically minded than me have answers that i mostly don't understand! oh well, interesting reading nevertheless :)


[2] brief exchange between myself and a colleague, who walked past while i was pulling bits and pieces out of old servers bound for the bin (after others had already been through and claimed the bigger hard drives)

scavenging mate?
yeah...
(pause)
might as well get something out of this place
too right!

so i walked away with a 20G hard drive, 7 PCI network cards, and a 52x CD-ROM - presumably all still working! pity there were no DVD drives, cos that's the next bit of hardware i'd consider adding to my PC. oh well... i'm sure i can find some use for these bits and pieces...

READY, (almost) SET, (but no) GO!

as i keep saying to whoever cares to ask, i am soooo ready to leave here. i just dont' care to do so without having something else lined up - not keen to return to being unemployed unless i absolutely can't help it.

at least the jobs i've been applying for aren't this difficult! though i'm mighty curious to see what awaits past the first gate, i don't think i feel smart enough to try :p

--

enjoyed the JFF movie on wednesday night. got a bit emotional towards the end - the girls all had a bit of a cry, but i stayed strong! haha. engaging story though... and thanks to lawry i now know a little bit more about the shinsengumi, adding some historical context to the movie.

Wednesday, November 24, 2004

i suppose i shouldn't be surprised, but...

  1. it's hard "saying no" to what you like... :/
  2. google has its own blog!
  3. it looks like work has already started on the "other end of the road"... hmmm...
  4. it's been suggested to me that "it would be good if i didn't just concentrate on my work but try to help out the folks in another section... if i'm not snowed under" (my paraphrase, since i can't recall the exact words). riiight... let me be the judge of how much snow i perceive, eh?
  5. pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis is (supposedly) a real word, and was reported by a recent newspaper snippet to have appeared in a spelling contest involving 11-14 year old kids!
  6. a google search on the above term returns over 6000 hits! for this and other word oddities, click here.

oh well. i'm off to catch when the last sword is drawn at the japanese film festival tonight. hope it's good :)

Tuesday, November 23, 2004

lobotomise me!

i think too much. some of my friends also think i think too much. it sometimes sucks to think too much. thinking too much often goes hand in hand with being hurt, disappointed...

people who don't think (enough), often inflict the greatest pain. then there are those who maybe outdo me in the thinking stakes. that's a different, deliberate kind of pain. that pain you could understandably expect, because it's a conscious thing on the part of the inflicter. but the first type... that's they type that makes you scream WHY O WHY?

i don't know why i think so much. maybe i'm insecure. maybe i'm neurotic.

sometimes, it's probably because i care... too much. which is not always a good thing.

*sigh*

so, any budding neurosurgeons around? ;)

i don't care. i don't want to care.
it sucks, doesn't it?
what?
not caring.
...

Monday, November 22, 2004

law vs. grace

"Give and receive" is the language of grace (which depends on the work of God).
"Earn and achieve" is the language of law (which depends on the work of man).

extract from Day by Day by Grace

Thursday, November 18, 2004

not chinese enough!

had dinner at a chinese restaurant on the weekend, celebrating my parents' wedding anniversary. they left before us to attend a meeting, and us 'kids' then strolled to the counter to settle the bill. the lady gave us a bit of a discount, though we weren't really sure why. maybe it was because she didn't approve of our choice of dishes, cos my sister thinks she made a bit of a face upon looking at our bill, and then she told us something to the effect of

"the dishes you chose weren't very good/nice, next time you come, speak to the waiter in the black tie and ask him to recommend you some authentic chinese dishes..."

-_^

guess i'm a bit of a fake then eh? lol...

Sunday, November 14, 2004

while the sun shines...

the hay i make is deciding to pull off some snaps while driving past the roadworks ;)


two views of the (future) traffic circle on a T-junction (cross street is on the left in the first shot, and on the right in the second). they haven't started work on this yet, but you can see the yellow markings on road for where the structures are going to be built. note also the new lane markings visible in the second shot... previously most of the length of this road had no markings at all, now it's starting to look somewhat "proper"!

one of the chicanes. the red and white block things (no idea what the proper name for these things are) mark out the border of a section of the road that's been dug up. white dotted lines towards the sides denote lane boundaries, and yellow mark the new "kerb extensions". the latter two are somewhat faint in the photo.

don't know that i'll be able to quite get the desired "before and after" effect, given that all these shots were taken while travelling in a vehicle and thus harder to reproduce position/timing! oh well, one step at a time :)

Friday, November 12, 2004

*tick*

what does it say about you, when you derive so much satisfaction from solving a technical problem? geek? nerd? in need of a life? hehe... have been having this really annoying "problem" with my PC for ages now. when viewing many video files, whether in WMP or quicktime, they would have this propensity to go to full screen. not just the normal full screen like when you hit alt-enter in WMP, but the kind that doesn't let you quit or alt-tab or do anything else.

the first few times this happened i just ended up letting the video run its course. then i figured out i could kill the running video by pausing first, then alt-f4 (doing this while the video is running just kills other background applications). it's been annoying me no end and my previous few forays into the web for answers have come up empty.

i figured it's probably not an application setting, since it's doing it on more than one application and i don't see the same behaviour on other machines, plus i've been through the options many a times without finding anything that might be the culprit. this led me to glance sideways at my video card... i'm sure i tried googling for this before as well, but for some reason couldn't find anything until tonight! on a whim, i tried some new search term combinations, and... finally, reading a reply to someone else's Full Screen Video Problem, though not exactly the same issue, was close enough to get me where i needed.

J.O.Y.!

*ahem*

anyways, that's one item ticked off my to-do backlog :)

Thursday, November 11, 2004

calm yourself

recently there has been a noticeable rise in activity along the main street/road that connects the area in which i reside, to the closest major arterial road. lots of people standing in the middle of the road, marking the surface, measuring, and generally looking like something major is going down.

after passing by a few times on my drives to and from home, i realised that they're preparing to implement some traffic calming devices! well i guess that *would* slow down traffic on that road... ironically it's mostly wide enough for four lanes of traffic, but being in a suburban area has a 50km/h speed limit.

anyways, a quick google (to check my vocabulary) later, i think we're getting a traffic circle, two chicane-like things, and two speed humps. i briefly thought about going out on the weekend to snap the "before" of some before and after photos, showing the preparatory work and markings on the road, to be followed by shots of the devices upon completion. but i probably won't now that my weekend is starting to fill, and besides they've already started digging up the road.

was wondering why such devices would be required, cos the area is essentially one big no-through road, and so we only get local traffic. then i remembered that the other end of the road which is currently a dirt track, is going to be made into a proper thoroughfare. so i guess this is to discourage ratrunners... i hope they leave the other end of the road free of obstruction, that way i'll still have one way to reaching home (though it will only be convenient in some situations) without having to slow down and negotiate an obstacle course! doing this day in and day out is probably going to drive me nuts... oh well... not much i can do other than get over it... guess i'm just too used to, and comfortable with, the familiar :p

Wednesday, November 10, 2004

not-so-silly messenger

seeing a fom with a messenger nickname of "we're buying a toilet!!!", i just had to bite :p

me: umm... that's good news i presume??!
fom: very good news. we've been saving all semester to buy one.
me: does that mean you *didn't* have one before?
fom: no no. we have two of them in my house.
fom: my Bible study group has been "paying" to come all semester, and tonight we decided what we were going to spend the money we've raised on. we're spending the money on things from the TEAR "really useful gift catalogue", and buying a toilet for a poor community in a developing country.
me: *lightbulb*
me: cool.
me: tear is good
fom: yeah, they're great. and their gift catalogue is such a great idea...
...

fom: ... cause really, most of us don't "need" anything for birthday or christmas presents... and putting the money you would otherwise have spent on something superfluous into something that someone else really needs is awesome.
me: yeah. and u get a free card to use :p

- - - - -

now don't get me wrong, i don't shop at tear just for their free cards! but i have used their (arguably the world's most useful) gift catalogue a couple of times this year, and i quite like having a complimentary card to use to give to the person on whose behalf i have purchased some gifts. i usually dread shopping for gifts, as i usually have no idea what to buy. that's why i like gift registries and the like - i'd rather get something i know the other person wants/needs/can use/would like etc. lately there has been a bit of trend (at least among my friends who have gotten or are getting married, or in some cases major birthdays) to include an item like a tear donation on gift lists.

for one wedding earlier this year i picked out some items on behalf of my family, matching a cooking related item on the couple's gift list with a cooking related item from tear - one for you, one for them :)

last night a friend graduated from a TESOL course, so again i went to tear and chose a literacy gift to match the occasion. but of course i did this early enough to have the card ready in time for the actual ceremony ;)

Monday, November 08, 2004

it's like turning up at a party, and finding someone else with the same clothes!

sometimes you just want a bit of uniqueness.

a while ago i found that the CASE blog changed its layout/template - to the same one that i've been using since july.

today i find that another blog i've started reading has also just made the same change.

now i don't feel so special...

but i suppose that's what you get for picking a blogger supplied free template (and a nice one at that :p), and being either too lazy or unskilled (or both) to be able to come up with your own statement of individuality.

bah.

Sunday, November 07, 2004

puzzle this ring

i first came across a puzzle ring about a year ago, when i saw it on the finger of a friend who got one from NZ (i think). after fiddling with it for some time, i managed to figure out a solution, though it was neither all that elegant nor easily reproducible...

noticed that same friend playing with it yesterday afternoon, and thought i'd give it another go. to my increasing frustration, i could not recall the solution, and wasn't getting anywhere close to rediscovering it. even after seeing her solve it (very quick when you know how) twice, i still couldn't catch it.

been playing with it off an on all night (some of the people i had dinner with also gave it a go), and i'm as stuck as i was when i began. finally, i called on my old friend google - and was quite surprised at the variety of Puzzle Rings that you can get!

anyways i'm happy enough to solve the one i've borrowed (i don't think she realises i took it home with me :p), using this better illustrated solution.

Thursday, November 04, 2004

messenger silliness

snippet from a msn messenger conversation last night between me and a friend of mine:

fom: how u feeling now?
me: like a sine wave
fom: sine?
me: yeah
me: or cosine
me: same thing
me: almost
me: u would've done that in maths b i think
fom: hmm
fom: soudns familiar
fom: but forgot
fom: is it wavy?
fom: you are feeling wavy?!
me: basically. it's a repeating cycle... up and down
fom: like a girl
me: *skept*

(after a brief pause while my pc recovers from a spontaneous reboot)

me: so are u calling me a girl??
fom: no!
fom: yes!
me: i'm not a girl
me: not yet a woman...(*sings*)
fom: haha
fom: ur weird


- - - - -

yes... i suppose i am a little bit weird. doesn't that just make life a little bit more interesting though? :)

kopi kat capers

was digging around at home last night for a casesstte tape from years ago, trying to find a song that i had in my head. it's a chinese song based on (at least the start of) psalm 46, and the words came to me yesterday while i was feeling very low. i could only remember the first one or two lines, and got motivated to look for the tape so i could listen to the whole song.

coulnd't find it... haven't listened to tapes for soooo long! but i did manage to dig up a second kopi kat klan cassette which i forgot i had! so breakfast this morning was spent slurping porridge in the lounge room, reading the newspaper while kopi kat klan's "we're back!" played on the stereo...

Wednesday, November 03, 2004

twist and turn

it occurred to me that maybe i'm the moth, and it's my wings which are getting burned.

and the candles? well... either they keep shining or burn themselves up!

bleh! maybe you're asking: 什么废话?!

well... i don't know either. can't make head or tail of it all.

this feels really sucky. nice technical description that is...

- - - - -

i want to sigh, i want to cry
but all i can do is to stare awry

it's raining cats and blogs

ok maybe the hyperbole factor was turned up a little too high on that subject :p but yeah... found out that another person i know has started their own blog. this is like the third discovery in about 2 weeks (ie of people that i know recently starting their blogs). and here i was humming along for the past two years or so (since starting mine), thinking that i was the only person among my circle of friends and acquaintances who blogged (or even knew what a blog was!). actually there has been the odd discovery along the way, but this cluster of 3 are of people i actually see every week - though not necessarily talk to all the time - so it feels a bit more significant.

what useless information that was. i should sleep. tried doing that early-ish last night but ended up tossing and turning for a while which is a bit unusual - these days i am usually so tired/sleep deprived that i fall asleep relatively quickly. must be too many unresolved things floating in my head. was meaning to be in bed 90 mins ago but came across some stuff which i'm not really supposed to know... but read it, and in so doing did no favours to the fog soup in my brain...

i'm afraid that i'm like a candle to moths... come too close and your wings get burned. or worse.

should i stay up till my head starts hurting and i can't think anymore?

*yawns*

Sunday, October 31, 2004

procrastination

i'm in the middle of applying for jobs, and lost motivation... seeing as it's been a while since i posted any photos, the perfect procrastination excuse found me ;)

these are (the start of) some overdue pics from when i was in singapore almost a month ago... this particular set being from saturday 25 sep, when i attended a "mid-autumn festival" celebration held by the mt gerizim bible presbyterian church.

the chua chu kang bible centre building, which is actually home to 3 (or is it more?) churches. not quite sure how this works - this kind of setup is certainly unlike churches (and their buildings) that i'm accustomed to in australia.


the event began with a buffet - i had my share of the food early because i became one of the helpers (who had to eat early, before the guests proper arrived), even though it was my first time stepping foot into the place, and still being somewhat jet lagged and majorly sleep deprived after my overnight flight.


other items on the evening's agenda included things such as solving chinese riddles, a short talk by the church's pastor, some singing, song presentations, and this play (based on the prodigal son parable). notice the rear projection "screen", displaying background pics in time with the action on stage (which was actually all mimed to pre-recorded dialogue).

anyways, i was pretty pooped at the end of all that... which about wraps up day 1.

Thursday, October 28, 2004

so funny i forgot to laugh

i've just been shown a document that refers to my position in terms of being a manager. i suppose it's not a bad climb given that i started out a year ago as an assistant. funny thing is, my salary hasn't changed one single cent... and here they talk about rewarding those who prove themselves... pfft.

there's a variant of uno i sometimes play, where you can play a 'reverse' card on things like draw two's and draw four's. ie. the person before you may be dealing you a blow with a draw, but you can reverse it on them if you have the right card. i wished i had the right card... this would be such a sweet time to play it! (or am i just being too vengeful??)

Wednesday, October 27, 2004

what gives me happiness...

a night out with friends... 1 to go try street-o and have good conversation time, and after that with 2 others (+ one of their friends) for a few games of pool and some laughs.

now i'm ready for a nice sleep, and probably sore legs tomorrow!

Monday, October 25, 2004

going public with a gripe

ooh, i'm famous!

well... maybe not quite :p

but you can read about my story on the latest NotGoodEnough.org Top 10 gripes listing. (not sure how long the URL stays valid though).

ok back to finishing some work so i can go sleep!

Tuesday, October 19, 2004

24 take 4

ok forget the mountain lion business, get the real scoop on 24 at Ryan's Report. don't want to read *too* much cos it'll be a while yet (hopefully) before anything from season 4 screens here...

patience, young grasshopper.

ps. saw zatoichi. quite liked it. would watch it again for the tap dancing/rhythm bits :p

Monday, October 18, 2004

Rain...

我懷念有一年的夏天

一場大雨把你留在我身邊

我看著你那被淋濕的臉

還有一片樹葉貼在頭髮上面


那時我們被困在路邊

世界不過是一個小小屋簷

你說如果雨一直下到明天

我們就廝守到永遠


RAIN FALLING IN MY HEART

你的聲音仍然深印我心田

世界改變 你也改變 我在海角天邊

RAIN FALLING IN MY HEART

你的諾言雖然沒有實現

愛是雨點 落在昨天 永不放晴的纏綿

Friday, October 15, 2004

Rush River Cinema

gee i wished i found out about the Rush River Cinema a bit earlier, then i might have gone to see the last samurai... :/

oh well. off to see another samurai flick tomorrow... zatoichi!

Thursday, October 14, 2004

Heroic Forums

bleh... been spending too much time browsing the Heroic Cinema Forum Pages ever since i found that H-C had started forums. i even started my own thread... well, sort of... hehe. but oh i haven't gotten anything done tonight! (except going to watch AvP :p)

bleh... but at least i found out that the 8th japanese film festival (see pdf flyer) is coming soon :)

Wednesday, October 13, 2004

CTP Premium Calculator

october is a big month of expenses... car rego and insurance are due then. just about to pay my rego and thought i'd take a quick squizz on google to see if my current CTP insurer is giving me a good price before i fork over my money, and came across this handy little page: CTP Premium Calculator

if you get there fast enough you might spot a typo in the "title" of that page... let's see how quickly their web monkeys respond to my email :)

incidentally, yes my current insurer is giving me the best price. not that there's much variance in the offerings... oh well good to know nevertheless!

Monday, October 04, 2004

Thursday, September 16, 2004

see the original!

read in the latest cinebuzz newsletter that hollywood has released a remake of 'shall we dansu?', called (surprise, surprise) 'shall we dance?'. reading some of the imdb forum threads, i'd have to agree that there's no real point in remaking what was already a great movie...

while i might not feel as passionate about any anti-hollywood sentiments, i do recommend that anybody who rushes out to see this movie (whether through love of dance, richard gere, jennifer lopez, or just cos they had nothing better to see...?!), make an effort to view the original. sure you might not find it in your local video shop, but wait around for sbs to show it again (i've seen it screened twice).

and if you need your appetites whet for foreign films, take yourself along to the free korean film festival about to tour the country.
2004 Korean Film Festival

yeah, baby! :)

Wednesday, September 15, 2004

ahhh... you big mouth!

ironic, isn't it?

having "opened my mouth" to gripe about my job/wages, i'm now going to lose it! (i mean the job, not my mouth :p)

so there i was yesterday morning, cruising along as per normal... get up for a toilet break, and when i come back to my desk i find a note stuck to my monitor telling me that my section has a meeting with our manager, like now! wondering why the snap meeting and still blissfully unaware of the impending news, i take myself to the meeting room, and find out that "... your previous role is being eliminated in the company restructure taking place today."

ok so they are offering me a new role internally (which is more than could be said for a few others colleagues). it's a role which was previously advertised internally, and about which i did make an initial inquiry. but i did not feel it was a suitable role, and went no further. so now i'm facing unemployment vs said role.

said role is skilled, and should be a step up... but the only money promise i've received is that i won't be getting any pay cuts - which sounds suspiciously like i'll be getting the same pay, for doing more work.

mighty tempting, ain't it?

yeah that's what i thought...

Monday, September 06, 2004

raspberries... to virgin cc?

i applied for a virgin credit card a while back. they rejected me.

today i find out from APESMA that they've renegotiated with AMEX, and can now offer a better deal to its members. i'm still using APESMA's previous CBA VISA gold card, but it's going to stop being free (hence being replaced by AMEX) so i'm going to stop using it. so now the AMEX card is now free of annual fees and rewards program fees... only downside being the perceived lower acceptance level of AMEX vs. eg VISA. my parents got AMEX a while back, but half the time they end up paying for stuff on my sister's VISA (and reimbursing her later) cos their AMEX isn't accepted where they need to use it.

anyways, i wonder whether my virgin cc application was rejected because i already have a credit card with a $10,000.00 limit... the rejection letter said something about some obligation or whatnot about not pushing people into (situations where they can incur) more financial debt.

or maybe it's the fact that i don't earn enough for their liking i mean their criteria of being a responsible lender... there's a box on the AMEX card application that asks if i earn more than $40k... it's one of four questions grouped under "if you can answer 'YES' to these questions, you may qualify for the Card."

hmm...
well...
umm...
that would be a noooooo... not quite!
*sigh*... actually it's not even close...

pooh to my $51.83-per-week-above-the-just-revised-minimum-wage job. maybe i need to redirect that raspberry...

Saturday, September 04, 2004

abandonment?

what are you supposed to feel when you're out with a bunch of friends, you all stop to look at something, and two minutes later you turn around and they've all disappeared from sight?! one slightly sour note on an otherwise pleasant and enjoyable night out, entertaining friend(s of a friend) from sydney.


dinner at MJ's (at the holiday inn in town) - another entertainment book venue. the lamb shanks i had were quite nice :) yep i decided to venture away from my standard of chicken!


followed by a spot of karaoke. everytime i go to karaoke, i end up wishing i could sing better... cos i realise/am reminded that i can't! oh well... stick to the car and the shower i think :p


then we had a pit stop at a video arcade, where we took turns playing this "para para somethingorother" game involving the co-ordination of hand movements to "instructions" on screen. the photo doesn't quite tell the story... but i don't have the space to store the few video clips i took.

Thursday, September 02, 2004

SWANS @ the Indian Taj Mahal

an every-so-often meeting of the SWANS at the Indian Taj Mahal in new farm. according to the man who's recently had his share of authentic indian fare while in england, this was not quite up to scratch... it's about the fourth time i can remember that i've been to an indian restaurant - and i don't think the rate will quicken any. not that i thought it was bad, but just not my favourite taste i guess.


we had the deluxe banquet, and these were the entrees to start


the SWANS


(most of) the mains - the food certainly looks nice and colourful - and we were all quite full at the end... with leftovers remaining.